LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A recent misfire by a national grocery chain has confirmed nan was right to be sceptical about these ‘new fangled hot cross buns’.
In previous years, seasonal hot cross buns have not only arrived on shelves on Boxing Day but have stolen fire from the Gods to create new flavour varieties such as fairy bread, choc orange and Pizza Shapes.
Not only have these new flavour varieties enabled the sultana haters of the nation, but in the case of Coles (a popular supermarket chain) it has led to the creation of the controversial new Champion Ruby inspired hot cross buns.
The rum and raisin of the tobacco world, Champion Ruby was once affectionately known as girls tobacco that most blokes wouldn’t mind asking for one when they’re drunk.
It is alleged that mentally deranged food scientists at the Coles lab dreamt up their Champion Ruby inspired hot cross buns during a ciggie break, not because they had run out of food to adapt.
“These taste like sipping rum out of an apocalyptic ashtray,” stated food reviewer and Novacastrain of the year @damoeatsyoursoul.
“There’s not even any nicotine in them! Which is a shame because at least I would have finished the pack that way.”
It’s yet to be determined if the annual sweep of broke uni students will clean up the swathe of left over Champion Ruby x Hot Cross buns in the coming days.
MORE TO COME.
