David Koch Says He’ll Never Do Another Interview With Us, And We Don’t Give A Shit

22 January, 2016. 15:35

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

TELEVISION ECONOMIST AND part time presenter David “Kochie” Koch has vowed to never sit for another interview with The Betoota Advocate again, after an aggressive confrontation with our reporters earlier today.

The Betoota Advocate sat down with David Koch in Martin Place this morning and asked him to outline the best investments Australians can make in 2016 – the interview didn’t go too well.

As stock markets around the world crash and burn and the property market teeters on implosion, Koch told us that the best bet for young investors is in homegrown, homemade Australian retailers. This response resulted in some jovial banter from our journalists who were certain Mr Koch was joking.

“You dickheads can laugh all you want but homegrown swimwear has been the one industry to buck the downturn trend since 2009. In fact, the market has grown steadily at over 10% per annum,”

Koch says this economic anomaly comes down to Australian men and the fact they are unaware that majority of them are blissfully unaware of how untidy their rigs are.

“We need to start looking in our own backyard,”

“You could be the highest paid executive in the country, or you could be struggling to keep a roof over your head,” said Koch.

“But the beach is the great leveller of humanity. The ocean doesn’t discriminate between pay packets. But the one thing that binds Australians is our penchant for Budgy Smugglers.”

The Betoota Advocate continued to laugh at the chairman of the Adelaide Crows, but he was intent on finishing his piece.

“You lot strike me as the type of blokes who would wear Quicksilver and Billabong, well I can tell you those brands will continue to flounder in the rip tide of capitalism,”

“Forget the property market, forget all of that. Your best bet is investing in young men with sloppy rigs”

Late last year, the seminal swimwear brand launched a new imprint, Wild Barra, which has captivated yoga pant enthusiasts and lovers of quality swimwear around the world – Mr Koch went on to explain how brands like this will soon rise to the top as one of Australia’s leading exports.

“I know you pair of dickheads recently came into some money,” said Koch.

“Don’t put it into the share market like a moron. Invest in Australian swimwear, it’s only going to go up.”

After our editor, Clancy Overell, expressed doubts over what Kochie was saying. This visibly annoyed the Sunrise anchor, who proceeded to throw his coffee over Overell and kick the table over, saying he was tired of giving people sound economic advice that they won’t take.

“I’m not just a goofball from morning television. I’m a f**king financial guru!”

“Stop treating me like an idiot. I’m never coming back for an interview with you lot,”

Mr Overell responded to Mr Koch’s threats with fire.

“Go on then ya sook,”

“We only asked you for an interview so we could get a good look at the bald head of yours. It really is shinier in real life,”