FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact
In news that comes as a surprise to absolutely nobody, Dulux has confirmed that the personnel responsible for naming paint colours are not subject to drug screening or random drug tests.
“It’s tricky to come up with new names for the colours, dude” said Chief Naming Technician Keith Huxley.
“They send me a new colour and I, like, just sit and stare at it for hours. I have to become the colour, totally. I meditate over the colour. I strip naked and paint myself that colour. I taste the paint; how does it make me feel? How does the paint feel? Then I pop a few tabs of acid and wait for the magic to happen. There’s a lot of research. I mean “Microwave Popcorn Tsunami” took 3 full days.”
“But sometimes you get lucky. Like this morning I licked a couple of toads and when I regained consciousness I had written “Crustacean Invasion” on the whiteboard. All done in under 3 hours. Like, I don’t even know how to spell Crustacean.”
Asked if he had any personal favourite names, Keith stares into the distance. “Oh yeah, for sure, I’ve had some great ones” he giggles, standing in front of a wall covered in mad scribblings like ‘Aggressive Hot Dog’, ‘Earwig Battalion’ and ‘Suspicious Meringue’. “But I can’t remember any of them. I was cooked as!”
Head of Human Resources Rebecca Frisso says that, like other paint manufacturers, Dulux has a strong anti-drug policy.
“Everyone who applies for a position here must undergo a pre-employment drug screening, and we do have a randomised drug testing program run by an independent organisation” She explained.
“But it doesn’t apply to the naming guys. They are off their fucking noggins 24/7, across the entire industry. Everybody does it that way. That’s how you get the good names”.
