KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
The board of Simpson & Simpson Pharmaceutical Co. has announced healthy 3rd quarter profits, buoyed by the long-awaited return to work of men that like to concrete their hair into place.
A manufacturer of several leading hair care brands including White Fox Grooming Paste, Tommy’s Barber Wax and the ever-popular Shock Waves Max Hold High Shine Gel, has posted a $15 million bump in growth after three months of renewed consumer confidence.
Releasing a statement today, the company announced it would be updating its projected 2022 growth, providing investment bankers and finance bros are forced to head into the office to send emails every day.
“We’re proud to update our yearly earnings, thanks to the hordes of males being forced to endure one hour of public transport into the office every day”, said a senior spokesperson.
“Provided the current trend of finance companies mandating a minimum four days a week in the office, our future profits are looking very healthy.”
Speaking in financial confidence to The Advocate, an unnamed company executive (Nathan Harwood from the Future Investments team), told our reporter two years of lockdowns had been devastating to the company’s bottom line.
“After 24 months of lockdowns, our projected hair product sales tumbled way into the red.”
“My analyst team told me the only thing keeping us afloat was the real estate sector, thanks to all those weekend auctioneers who like plying two, sometimes three layers of glycerine through their skull to get the perfect slick n’ sleazy look.”
“But with a new season of Peaky Blinders about to drop and all the finance people back at their desks, there’s a good chance we’ll be boasting bumper profits well into Christmas!”
“Fingers crossed!”
