RORY SALAZAR | Finance | CONTACT
There have been wild scenes this morning out of our nation’s capital after the Prime Minister of Australia continued the notorious ministerial ‘bonk ban’ as part of the wider implementation of what some are calling a ‘totalitarian’ new code of conduct for our oppressed Federal Ministers.
Not only subjected to a ‘bonk ban’, the raging horn-dog stable of Ministers were also told by the PM to sell off any shareholdings they may or may not have, and to divest from any blind trusts they may or may not have been arranged.
This follows the dictatorial PM’s insistence that his government should act with regard to integrity, accountability, and other big words that the Ministers themselves did not understand.
The response was brutal and swift, as 30 of Albo’s Ministers, 12 Assistant Ministers and 3 Special Envoys – which is all of them – threatened to cross the floor immediately.
Pleading with his Ministers to “come back, come back”, Anthony Albanese tried to reason with his team in the hope of again forming a government.
“Please, I’ve made an election promise of a National Anti-Corruption Commission to the people. Please. We have to look like we’re changing before the mud gets slung.” Albo said.
But the gaggle of overworked, sexy and lonely Ministers who each have sizable stock portfolios, weren’t falling for it.
Angry over the Code’s double standards, one better-known Minister spoke truth to power by yelling across the parliamentary floor, “so we can fuck the people of Australia but we can’t fuck each other, is that it?!”
Fronting a media scrum later in the morning, peaceful idyllic family man, Barnaby Joyce, shared uncharacteristically bi-partisan views on the new Code.
“This is a common-sense policy. One that is directed mainly at the unfaithful inner-city ministerial types who have no respect for the sanctity of the regional Australian family unit.”
“It does not matter why or when the ‘bonk ban’ was brought in, or which government implements it. What matters is that it continues to protect the values that the people of Australia, especially myself, hold so dear,” Joyce said.
Questioned on whether the requirement to sell off shares and divest from blind trusts would affect him personally, Mr Joyce feigned ignorance, saying, “On my measly shadow minister’s wage, I can barely afford a loaf of bread let alone invest in one of these whatchamacallits stocky funds.”
More to Come.
