LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Although society is continuing to find ways to reduce waste, one local dad might be keeping us all back a couple of years.
According to the children of Arnie Spencer (44), their dad is wasting serious resources by spreading their morning Vegemite toast with an exceedingly thick layer of the yeasty spread, using a thick coating techinique usually reserved for lighter spreads like Nutella.
“If dad is making toast in the mornings I just end up having Weet Bix,” stated daughter Gemma Spencer (10) who may now be scared off Vegemite for life.
“I can’t even pretend to be sick because he thinks Vegemite kills everything and just spreads it thicker.”
The amount of Vegemite appropriate to start the day varies widely across our multicultural nation with toxic ‘thicky-mighters’ claiming superiority over ‘little spready wus bois.’
Spencer’s children however state their old fellas meaty spreads go beyond normal bread-bearing capacity, often spread as thick as two fifty cent pieces and about as tasty.
“What’s worse is that he actually thinks it’s his special thing. He announces it. He calls it ‘Dad’s Famous Toast.’ It’s a stylistic choice for him.”
Ask the jar-a-week dad himself however and he’ll tell you his kids are over exaggerating the claims his Vegemite lather is too thick as well as rebuking comments he eats it straight from the jar, mouth first.
“I don’t eat it mouth first, I use a little spoon,” stated Spencer, holding the jar and spoon as if it were a nice cup of tea.
“You don’t want a pissy little serving of Vegemite! Man up! It puts hairs on your chest!”
Spencer then proceeded to watch proudly as his desperate children prepared breakfast for themselves to avoid their father’s borderline cruel amount of the yeast extract.
“Heh heh. Got ‘em.”
