CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Hundreds of thousands of Australian followers of Eastern Orthodox traditions have today had to enjoy the quietest Eastern celebrations since WWII.
Right across Europe, and in Australian suburbs located under the commercial flight paths, Orthodox churches base their Easter celebrations on the Julian calendar, which often differs from the Gregorian calendar that is used by many western countries.
Like most religious traditions that aren’t organised by skippys, Orthodox Easter is usually one of plentiful feasts and guests. However, this year was not mean to be for many, who opted to batten down that hatches and wait til this virus is brought under control.
Prominent Betoota bootmaker Yannis V’Landys was not one of these people.
Despite reports early last month that Orthodox Easter celebrations were postponed indefinitely due to the COVID-19 social distancing measures banning group events – Yannis has today done what his era of Southern European migrants do best, and found a loophole.
After months of his wife complaining that she shouldn’t have to miss out on having her dearest friends and family over for Easter lunch just because these bloody anglos can’t keep off the cruise ships – Yannis decided to fake his own death.
Not to hide from yiayia’s complaining, but to trick the authorities into thinking today’s red egg cracking ceremony was just some woggy funeral tradition.
According to the Government, a funeral service may be attended by a maximum of 10 people and take place in a space with at least 4 square metres per person. It is for this reason, that Yannis is now dead, according to him.
Starting with a self-submitted newspaper obituary, where he graphically described his own death at the hands of a drug-addicted homeless person who was also Turkish, Yannis then went on to leave piles of flowers outside his own house.
He then took the landline off the hook and told his kids to tell all of their friends that his wife had coronavirus so no one could visit her.
With Yannis officially dead, yiayai was then able to slave over which ten members of her 500 strong immediate family will be able to come over lunch today.
They eventually decided to invite each of their own children and the oldest grandchild from each family. Plus the four different sets of neighbours hanging over the fencelines with an empty plate.
At time of press, papou was showing a little too much commitment to the narrative, by refusing to get off the couch for six hours and having every meal and glass of anise liquor brought directly to him by his granddaughters.
“Tell the bluddy banka I dead too!” he shouts.
MORE TO COME.
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