CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Drastic new measures have today been announced to contain the rapidly spreading coronavirus amongst Australians.
The Prime Minister has this morning addressed the nation with an unprecedented, indefinite level-four travel ban is in place for the entire world. The travel advice for all Australians wanting to go overseas is “Do Not Travel”.
Modelled on Singapore’s approach, the official advice is that schools will remain open, despite a petition of 4000 doctors begging the government to find alternatives to sending these little COVID-19 incubators to class every day.
Australians are still advised to stay away from non-essential outdoor gatherings of 500 or more. There is also a ban on non-essential indoor gatherings of 100 people or more.
However, of all measures, it seems the government may have to compromise on the latter.
This comes as 17-year-old Ellie Rhineforrest-Langbond reveals that she has already tried on her formal dress.
The lunchtime Queen Bee of Joan Of Arc Ladies college in Betoota Grove has today appealed to the Prime Minister’s sensibilities, and requested he immediately overturn his ban on non-essential indoor gatherings.
She’s done this through a tantrum in her living room, with an expectation that her parents to relay her grievances to the top of Federal Parliament.
“What the fuck is essential anyway!?” she screams at her 70-year-old banker father who has no idea what the fuck is going on.
“I’ve already got a fake tan booked, I’ve bought the shoes and I’ve found the perfect dress. They can’t just cancel the formal”
While Ellie may seem delusional in thinking she can stamp her feet until the government repeals bans on large public events like her year 12 formal, it is not out of the question – when considering Scotty From Marketing went ahead and allowed thousands of happy clappers to finish their Hillsong Hug Conference over the weekend.
Her mother has defused the situation by telling her that her father will see what he can do. As a prominent Liberal Party donor, he might be able to do a lot.
MORE TO COME.
