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In lighter news, the Australian Department of Health has today released some encouraging statistics about the ongoing obesity epidemic.
Minister of Health, Liam Newell, reveals that Australia has seen a vast improvement in obesity in the past three years, though the cause had remained a mystery until now.
“We tried everything”, admits Newell.
“Catchy jingles, fat shaming, physically forcing children to exercise.”
“Nothing worked.”
Even with the introduction of health star ratings and school tuckshop programs, the obesity rates in Australia continued to increase each year, reports Newell. But come 2016 Australia saw a sudden drop in weight nationwide.
“We couldn’t believe it. The stats haven’t been this good since the 60s.”
“There was a slight increase last year when Aldi released deep fried camembert.”
“But that was only a blip.”
Newell says he’d instructed his team to go into lockdown to figure out the cause of the nation’s sudden increase in vitality. He states that he’d reached a number of dead ends when a member of the team noticed a correlation between the sudden drops in obesity and the introduction of pedestrian countdown timers.
“It was a big lightbulb moment for us”, says Newell. “
Here we were trying to guilt people into exercising.”
“We completely forgot that people would rather risk getting hit by a car than wait.”
