FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact
As the release date for a COVID-19 vaccine draws closer, other critical medical trials have been largely overlooked by the media, despite being almost as important as a cure for coronavirus.
Last week Pfizer announced their Duckface Vaccine, Quaxagon, has been found to be effective at curing the facial feature with a 92% success rate and minimal side effects.
Duckface, first reported in the early 2010s, is a debilitating disease caused by taking excessive selfies.
The flash from a smartphone camera is amplified when reflected in a bathroom mirror and the close proximity of the flash causes blood vessels in the lips to expand, with unnatural results such as puffy lips and in some cases even pallid orange skin.
“It’s such a relief” said former duckface sufferer Zoey Camber, 22.
“Before the trial I would spend most of the night in the nightclub bathroom. Now my lips are almost back to normal size after just 3 doses. Thanks Quaxagon!”
Meanwhile trials of Astra-Zeneca’s Resting Bitch Face Vaccine, Fuxtagiv-Zero, have so far failed to conclusively prove the effectiveness of the treatment.
Reports suggest scientists were too nervous to approach the trial participants to obtain quantifiable results.
