KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
Australia’s country music capital has been sent into flash lockdown tonight as Tamworth braces for Cyclone Barnaby.
After putting his usual ten schooner dinner on ice for the duration of Lent, it’s believed the Honorary Member for New England Barnaby Joyce has successfully navigated 40 days off the booze, and is now ready to cause his usual brand of alcohol infused carnage.
The Advocate understands that at 4:45pm today, ABC Radio North West issued a region wide alert recommending all residents of Tamworth, Walcha, Armidale and Gunnedah to take shelter until the destructive winds of Barnaby’s booze breath passes.
Speaking to Glen Innes (55), the head of the local SES, emergency services are preparing to sandbag local pubs in an attempt to limit damage from the incoming natural disaster.
“We clocked the fast moving weather system head into The Courthouse Hotel at 4pm this afternoon and it quickly picked up pace after taking advantage of happy hour,” Glenn told our reporter via satellite.
“We understand Barnaby has now ventured into The Southgate Inn to inhale as many full-strength beers as humanly possible.”
Speaking to the Prince of the Pavement himself, it’s believed Barnaby’s time off has him primed to get proper legless.
“Righto, ease off mate it’s f*cking Easter!” slurred Joyce, as he licked the last dregs of a delicious Tooheys New schooner.
“I haven’t had as much as a scoop of Rum & Raisin ice cream since the whole pavement debacle, give me a break.”
Asked if he plans to take a nap on a bench somewhere along Peel Street tonight, Joyce told our reporter we’d be lucky to walk away with only one black eye if we keep up this line of questioning.
“I’m gonna taste test a schooner of every single tap here tonight, and unless you’re gonna join me, it’ll be you getting put to sleep somewhere outside the Capitol Theatre.”
More to come.
