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Local cattle grazier, Dallas Mackay (42) says he didn’t really use social media before he learnt he could abuse Q&A panellists from his own living room by posting on Twitter.
“That was around 2011” said the prominent Betoota Plains cattleman.
“Back when the Live Export ban was heating up. You know, I just wanted to give these tree-huggers a piece of my mind. Felt great at the time”
However, since then, Dallas says he has learnt that social media is actually of no real great value to the planet – or civilisation in general.
This comes after years of being tormented by our town’s local conspiracists, who are convinced that he is behind what they believe to be a global conspiracy to control the population through mandatory immunisation programs.
“I have no idea where this all came from” he says.
“One minute I’m abusing Tony Burke for killing my industry… Next thing you know, I’m being accused of single-handedly masterminding a plan to create bioengineered viruses and genetic mutations induced by 5G technology to control the minds of suburban mums and dads with nothing else to worry about in their rather comfortable middle class lives.”
Standing at 6 foot 6 and weighing in at a buck twenty, Dallas is by far the biggest agricultural producer in the greater Diamantina Shire. It’s for this reason that he’s earned the nickname ‘Big Farmer’.
Little did he know that this nickname would put him at the centre of an endless list of crackpot conspiracies being peddled on line by NRL Wags, Celebrity chefs and a disgraced nephew of JFK.
The Betoota Advocate spoke to the Big Farmer in an effort to understand why, he of all people, is being accused of trying to get the government to force its citizens into ingesting dangerous toxins.
“Yeah look, my parents made sure I got my shots as a kid. That’s because I had a grandma that had polio, so yeah, my oldies didn’t really want that to happen again.”
“Turned out pretty well, I must say. Because, you know, I haven’t caught polio”
“And yeah whenever that useless prick Scotty sends enough jabs out here for me to survive this pandemic, then I’ll be first in line”
“But that’s about as much as I’ve had to do with it all. I wouldn’t say I’m responsible for it all”
However, one our town’s highest profile free-choice advocates says there is a lot Dallas isn’t telling us.
Khaylenteya Shmurgess (27) is a former V8 Race Girl who amassed a large instagram following when she made the bold career move of marrying someone who was good at football.
After spending a lot of time of YouTube during her pregnancies with her unvaccinated darlings Brooklyn-Nuyork (3) and Pippen-Gamesix (1), Khaylenteya has dedicated her life, and social media channels, to spreading the good word of the anti-vaxxer movement.
Khaylenteya says Big Farmer is directly responsible for the misinformation spreading through our medical system, and claims he has corrupted the minds of countless GPs and politicians, who she describes as sheep.
“Why don’t you ask him about working with Bill Gates or Georges Soros. Ask him about the hidden papers linking flu shots to period pains?”
“The Betoota Advocate are obviously in bed with Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch, so I don’t imagine you’ll ask those questions… But yeah, the Big Farmer is behind all of it. Murdoch, Packer, Bill Gates, David Koch and Dr Karl are in on it too.
When asked to answer to all of Khaylenteya’s baseless accusations, Big Farmer says the only thing he’s had to do with Kerry Packer was when he accidentally spilt a rum and coke down his shirt while he was a jackaroo at Newcastle Waters in the Top End.
“Kerry Packer called me a fuckwit and threaten to get me sacked. That was it” says Dallas.
“He never mentioned anything about poisoning the entire planet’s population with the most successful medical achievements in human history. I don’t think he even knew my name. I still can’t understand why they chose me of all people”
“Just please tell them to stop”
“I just want them to piss off back to Byron and leave me with my cows”
