Breaking News

LEROY PERCIVAL | Investigative | CONTACT A 'tropical' Goth from Far North Queensland has been praised today for his dedication to the dark, heavy clothing associated with his subculture, despite the very visible health affects it is causing him. The Cairns original and devoted fan of Nine Inch Nails and Joy Division has today been left cooked to a crisp, after spontaneously combusting during his...

KENT REGINALD | Culture | CONTACT An overimaginative local 8 year old is freaking the fuck out at Betoota Woolies tonight, after realising that the grocery store cashier is almost done swiping all of the items and his mum still hasn't come back from 'running back to pick up a few things she forgot'. Tyler Weston, 8, had been asked to wait in line at the cashier...

EDITH McCUTCHEON | Local News | Contact In a similar vein to the ‘New year, New me’ kind of thing, Albert Jensen has tried to change his life recently. Waking on Sunday morning with a splitting headache, an empty wallet, and clammy sweats after making a fool of himself the previous night, the Betoota Heights-based plumber decided it was time to...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the newly released 'Cabinet Files' -  based on an astonishing collection of files found in an abandoned filing cabinet in a second-hand shop in Canberra, the Labor party has been quick to steer any criticism from the young blokes that got killed filling roofs with insulation a few years back. This means the National Broadband Network (NBN) is back in...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A modern fusion restaurant in Betoota's bustling inner-city suburb of Greviequa has today proudly declared that they are now so popular that they have to worry about made up allergies that rich people diagnose themselves with to feel alive. Having only opening in November last year, Australasia, has already been featured on a viral Facebook video that shows one of...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man has tried to make amends for the fact that he didn’t bring anywhere near enough drinks, any form of salad and some mediocre chat to a BBQ with a small packet of herby sausages. After immediately realising he had left himself short, Sam Krilic offered his 4 pack of mass produced sausages to the host with...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Despite looming concerns about the state of Australia’s housing market, one local Real Estate Agent assured us today that everything is going to be okay. “Now is a fantastic time to buy,” Angus Black told one of our reporters. “The market is booming. Absolutely booming. We are seeing year on year incredible returns in the housing market. It’s the safest...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact In breaking news this evening, it can be revealed that the first of twelve months in the 2021 calendar year is almost at an end - and you may as well still be hungover watching test match cricket at your parent's house because that's how much you have achieved in the 20 days you've had back at work. Other...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Social Nuances | Contact After making excuses to get out of an arranged dinner date, Sally Westington (27), sits at her Betoota Cove apartment drinking alone and scouring over social media. Unfortunately, her moment of bliss was cut short when the Virgo saw a photo of two of her best friends having dinner together – the very friends she blew off....

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Bartender and mixologist Andy Samson could feel some eyes burning holes in him this afternoon as he frantically tried to get through an overly burdensome cocktail order. The part time employee at the Royal Coke Hotel in Betoota's Data Entry District was meandering his way through the afternoon shift, pulling happy hour beer after happy hour beer. That was until...