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EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACTNews sites are reportedly having a hard time convincing their audience that they should care about the shooting of a health insurance CEO, with even rightwing pundits such as Ben Shapiro and Matt Walsh failing to elicit a sympathetic response from their viewers. Last week, the CEO of UnitedHealthcare, Brian Thompson, was shot on his way to an investors...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Indian fast bowler Mohammed Siraj has chalked up another win today, after enjoying a moment of sheer brilliance on his PS5. Looking to unwind after a big few days in the field, the fiery quick decided to play a couple of games of FC (the artist formerly known as FIFA). Then in the 79th minute of the El...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local mother is beaming with pride today, after her young son hit a significant milestone. Janet Wilson (45) explained to us that she was over the moon yesterday evening to discover that her bottle of Bombay Sapphire was actually just tap water. Pouring herself up a nice and gin and tonic after a long day dealing with...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local geriatric has found himself getting wound up again today, it can be confirmed. Speaking to our reporter a short time ago, Aisling Moloney says her dad has been lighting up the family group chat. "At least he's not on about furries and kitty litter this time," said Aisling, whose father's brain is increasingly turning into an...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A Betoota Plains man has today spoken to our humble regional newspaper about his desire to get on the piss with a bunch of people he doesn't know, and more than likely doesn't want to know. "Honestly, I cannot wait," sighed Tori O'Connor a short time ago. "Man, it's gonna be so much fun." The event that the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact As the cost of living and inflation crisis continues to bite the nation, Australia's favourite banking battlers have decided to get on the front foot to make ends meet. With plenty of hungry mouthes to feed, the bosses at the Commonwealth Bank of Australia have revealed that they are trying to keep the lights on by introducing a...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The team behind the hit new Binge film How To Make Gravy have chalked up another win today. In some huge news for Australian cinema, The Betoota Advocate can now reveal that one of the nation's biggest artists is set to pen a musical spin off of the new film. The artist behind the song has been confirmed...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The nation's Treasurer has today issued a stunning spray at the Reserve Bank of Australia. Fronting the media to label the central bankers a bunch of 'fucking gronks' - Jim Chalmers has threatened to go full Logan on these 'putrid mutts' if they don't lower interest rates next week. The man who's watched the RBA raise rates 12...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local father of 3 has today been told to take a bit of time of his phone, and his TV while he's at it. Arthur Morrison (64) was issued the request a short time ago, after sending his 3rd news story or meme in a row, relating to 'wokeness.' "Yeah, I told him to give it a...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Time Magazine has caused a stir this week, after leaked emails have revealed their 'Person of The Year.' The annual title is usually bestowed upon a person, group, idea, or object that "for better or for worse ... has done the most to influence the events of the year." It's usually given to celebrities or politicians in the West, dictators...