Politics

Paid Leave Porter Douses Clothes In Bed Lice Before Donating To Vinnies

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Op-Shoppers at Butler Vinnies were treated to a surprise visit from the countries' trendiest disgraced politician Christian Porter, who appeared at the store with several bin bags full of clothes he was willing to donate. According to witnesses, the Attorney General seemed cheerful and unphased by the well documented sexual assault allegations, which he denies and refuses to answer...

Barnaby Puts In For Some Of This New Mental Health Leave After A Few Spots At Yamba Open Up For Easter

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Political journeyman Barnaby Joyce has put in for whatever leave accused rapist Christian Porter and the incompetent Linda Reynolds are on right now after a few choice holiday rentals opened up at Yamba, a delightful seaside town in NSW that's home to people from all walks of life including retired farmers and some of...

Christian Porter Spends First Day Of Paid Leave Burning Ants With Magnifying Glass

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After a week of actually facing some tough questions about horrific sexual assault allegations levelled against him, Attorney-General Christian Porter has today taken some time to unwind. The man refusing to stand aside in regards to the allegations that he sexually assaulted someone in 1988, told The Advocate that he's spent the morning making the most of his...

Local HR Manager Reminds Staff That Paid Mental Health Leave Is Only For Politicians Who Fuck Up

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Betoota Flight Path District HR manager has this week told his employees not to get any ideas. Speaking at a snap meeting yesterday evening Scott Reynolds, told his staff that paid mental health leave isn't something that is accepted at the industrial facility. "That's only for high net-worth individuals who have bargaining power, and politicians who have...

Man Responsible For Robodebt Horrified That People Are Asking Him To Prove His Innocence

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Attorney General and former Minister for Social Services Chrisitan Porter, has today asked the media and the nation to simply take him on his word. The man who rolled out the disastrous Robodebt scheme (that claimed nearly a billion dollars of debt it wasn't owed and hounded hundreds of thousands of people relentlessly to prove they were...

PM: “Parliament House Rapists To Face Same Level Of Accountability As Welfare Cheats”

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Scott Morrison has finally given an indication that he might just do something more about the four allegations made against a former Liberal Party staffer. After being tricked to front the press by opening a door offering great deals on a Hawaiian timeshare, Mr Morrison initially made several ill-conceived jokes where he said ‘what allegations?’ in the style of...

Islamic Leaders Tell Dutton He Can’t Look The Other Way To Criminal Behaviour In His Community

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Islamic leaders across Australia have today urged Peter Dutton and Scott Morrison to do more about the criminal behaviour within their community. The comments come after the sexual assault of a young woman in Parliament House, and allegations of more horrific behaviour within the circles of federal politics. "We need to be realistic about the threat," said the...

Mark McGowan Practices Saying “This Election Will Be Tough” In The Mirror With A Straight Face

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Mark McGowan has prepared himself for yet another day of public service by practicing public speaking in the restrooms adjacent to his office. This morning, the Premier of our nation's prosperous West tried saying, "This election will be tough," over and over again in the mirror while trying to keep a straight face. "It took me...

Scotty Hits Out At Media For Making Him, The Victim, Feel Like He Brought This Upon Himself

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's Head of Marketing has today hit out at Australia's culture of victim-blaming. Stay across our biggest stories in a short sharp audio format. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Speaking exclusively to The Betoota Advocate this morning, Scott Morrison explained that he's just about had enough of copping it for his Government's appalling handling of the sexual...

Dutton Encourages Aussies To Get Their News From Bubbling Cauldron Like He Does

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In case your old mate from uni who wears a Ramones shirt that matches his dog's handkerchief hasn’t told you, Facebook has blocked access to news sites for Australian based users in order to avoid legislation that would see them spend money on something. Now as the one third of Australians who receive most of their news updates through...

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