Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A parish priest in the soulless sprawl of Betoota Heights has reportedly been left a broken man after hearing the Christmas confession of a bloke who’s spent a bit too much time in the big smoke. Father Emilio Vittorio, a weathered figure whose usual battles involve keeping Betoota Heights' cookie-cutter congregants awake during mass,...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA local extended family whose youngest member is 23 years old is preparing for yet another Christmas that resembles something out of Oktoberfest. Like many families around Australia, the Murphy family's younger members have found the idea of having a child not only daunting but also financially unachievable. Thus, the Murphy family has been left to make the most of...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTIn breaking news that’s sure to put a smile on the face of everyone who lives in Betoota Grove, the Kidman’s are away over Christmas!That’s right, this week The Advocate is excited to report that the incredibly wealthy family, who own the two medical clinics and a pharmacy in Betoota, have jetted over to Japan for...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT In breaking news from the front living room of a Betoota Heights McMansion, a local man has just written himself into the Guinness World Record books.The story comes as Duncan Cummins, a 32-year-old data entry specialist, manages to upload a brand spanking new Belgian waffle maker onto Marketplace, even before he has a chance to discard...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT As plumes of black smoke and an orchestra of kitchen mixers bellow from the window of a Betoota Heights kitchen, a local father has taken sanctuary in his favorite place on earth, his own backyard. While the rest of his family sweat over the glazing and burning of a prized Christmas ham, Darryl Mascot (48) has decided...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA local girl has decided to book herself in for an old-fashioned silly season blowout this evening, based on the fact “It’s Christmas”. After a long year battling living in Sydney, 28-year-old Stella Elliot has just rolled back in Betoota, courtesy of a Jetstar flight that was four hours late.After only just landing back in her hometown,...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA dad who reckons leftie cucks can’t take a joke these days apparently can’t take a joke either, after opening a very thoughtful present from his youngest son, it’s reported. Proudly very into Donald Trump, despite living in Australia and having no ties to the US whatsoever, Steve Simpson’s eyes could be seen lighting up when he spotted the...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT An excited school leaver on her first trip to Nimbin, India Mercer (18), has been been left slightly deflated at the state of many regional Australian towns.India, a 3rd generation crystal enthusiast from the inner city had long dreamed of her coming of age trip to the Northern Rivers region of NSW."My mum and her mum both did...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT Local Assyrian-Australian office worker Mikhael Bacchus (32) is once again bracing for years of correcting people who confuse him with Syrians, now that the Middle Eastern nation—whose name coincidentally sounds very similar to the name of his people—is in the news again."I've been dealing with this for years," Bacchus explained, rolling his eyes as yet another person at...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA Sydney man has been left slightly disturbed by the news that Luna park was recently sold, assuming that the landmark had been bought up by a casino giant years ago.The shocking news came out earlier this week as Sydney’s iconic Luna Park has changed ownership for the first time in nearly two decades, with leading local hospitality...