Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman who was finally able to have a consultation with a psychiatrist has unfortunately found herself positively radiating this morning, momentarily forgetting that not too long ago, she was a very sad girl. Having originally booked an appointment two months ago when she was in the grips of poor mental health, Jasmine Travers, 28, was all smiles as...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An impressionable apprentice from our town's French Quarter has been successfully talked out of financing an off-white 2010 Landcruiser Prado this week after explaining the plan to his boss. After having it all spelled out to him by blokes who've made similar mistakes in the past, third-year chippy Daley Adavale revealed his stupidity and dunderheadedness...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman who usually relies on her mates to analyse text messages has found a new bestie in ChatGPT, who’s not only available 24/7 but also has no qualms in giving her brutally honest feedback - which she may or may not listen to, depending on how delusional she’s feeling on the day. Having used the AI chatbot to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A renown dork from Betoota Heights has today drawn widespread criticism for his decision to wear his baseball cap backwards, despite a clear lack of the social capital required to pull it off. Nathan Trenaman, 32, was spotted strolling through Betoota’s Stockland Plaza this afternoon with the MLB accessory perched on his head in the...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLocal woman Chloe Farnsworth, 27, is cursing herself for ever mentioning the concept of product placements to her mum, Julie, 54, who now feels compelled to identify every single corporate logo that appears on-screen during family movie nights. "We were watching Bullet Train a few weeks ago, and I remarked how clever the product placement with the Fiji water...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA recent survey has revealed that no modern video game, no matter how advanced or graphically stunning, can hold a candle to the fleeting, five-minute joy of playing demo samples at a JB Hi-Fi in the early 2000s."Yeah, I've got a PS5, an ultrawide monitor, and a gaming chair that reclines," admitted Mark Thompson (32), a software developer."But...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | ContactLying face up in the ocean with pristine salt water lapping at his body, Shane Jetty is at peace.Having polished off no less than eleven schooners last night with his mates at the Coolum Beach Hotel, every pore in Shane’s body is leaking out the kind of odours that would freeze up an ignition interlock device.But...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTA groundbreaking joint study by the Betoota Polytechnic Schools of Sports Physiology and Astrophysics has uncovered a localised temporal distortion in the space-time continuum caused by the StairMaster. The StairMaster, a cardio machine famed as the ultimate endurance test, has long been a source of dread for gym-goers. “It’s a device that punishes both body and soul, pushing...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTTeenagers have been told to brace themselves for a bumper tax increase, especially those who just gave a $50 to a tradie who said he’d buy them a carton.Members of one such tax bracket are a group of Betoota Ponds youths who accidently paid the piper, or rather paid the plumber, after they trusted the high-vissed stranger to...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTA sharehouse in Betoota Heights has accidentally embraced minimalism after the sudden departure of the housemate who owns most of the furniture.Once a cozy home brimming with second-hand white goods, mismatched couches, and an assortment of IKEA storage solutions, the house now resembles an almost zen-like space—four walls, a couple of mattresses, and a lone camping chair...