Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactBetoota Heights bloke Sam Howler stands accused of being a bit of yucky boy this week, as it’s discovered he’s been washing his hands with hand soap that probably shouldn’t be thrown out two months ago. It’s alleged this discovery was made after his girlfriend Julia stayed over again, remarking that she’d ‘noticed his heavily diluted Palmolive hand soap...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In a shocking display of global cultural imperialism, legendary Glaswegan band Oasis, widely known for their attempt at recreating the sonic magic of Brisbane’s own Powderfinger, has announced two massive shows in Australia for 2025. According to recent reports, the Gallagher brothers have set their sights on Sydney’s Accor Stadium and Melbourne’s Marvel Stadium....

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An idiot from our town's freshly developed Heights area has complained this morning about giving a third of his pay packet to the Federal Government. "Taxation is theft," said Don Gunk, a mid-level public servant at Main Roads. "What do I get in return? I don't have any kids, I'm in good health? Why should...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The small town of Allora, Queensland, is once again gearing up to celebrate its favourite son, Matt Denny, fresh off his bronze medal win in the discus at the Paris 2024 Olympics.  This Friday, Denny will be back in town to officially open the Matt Denny Disc Golf Course, where locals and visitors alike will...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Grove woman who once used to grow her hair down to her waist so it would resemble a horse has stuck to her horsy roots as an adult, by getting super into their medicine! Speaking to our reporter last night at Betoota’s one and only nightclub, ‘Nitespot’, a glassy eyed Casey Mayfair 28, says that even though...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACTLabor has today announced a Vietnamese-Australian candidate for a heavily Vietnamese seat, that they lost to a Vietnamese independent in 2022, because they decided against pre-selecting someone from the actual area in that hope that the poor immigrant voters would mindlessly elect a dodgy Former Premier who has nothing to do with them. After spending the last 3 years...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Editor | CONTACTIn a shocking turn of events that has rocked Betoota’s French Quarter, it has been revealed that a popular stall at the Betoota Farmers Market, known for selling ‘bespoke, ethically handmade jewellery’, has been secretly drop-shipping its products straight from Temu.Locals were lured in by the stall’s ethereal charm, with its carefully arranged crystals and handcrafted wooden displays....

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTApple has finally come out and admitted that those random vibrations you feel in your pocket that make you question your sanity are indeed very real.For years, what has been known as a 'phantom vibration' has plagued the pockets of billions of iPhone users. Many have claimed that they randomly feel a vibration in their pocket, despite there...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Editor | CONTACTIn what can only be described as an unsalvageable ick, a local woman has described the precise moment her promising date plummeted into irredeemable disaster. Maddie Barlos (27), was enjoying what she thought was a pleasant evening out with Glen Pyke, a 30-year-old accountant, at a rooftop bar in Betoota's French Quarter. As Sabrina Carpenter’s catchy intro to...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTLying flat on the couch with ugg boots on and Selling Sunsets playing idly on the TV, local girl Bianka Granger (24) would say she’s back in her element. After having a pretty intense psychology session this afternoon, one which her therapist would call “a breakthrough”, Bianka has reportedly decided to recover from the emotionally taxing...