Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Grove man has sparked confusion and mild outrage this week for his increasingly vocal support of conservative politics, despite being unemployed and entirely dependent on his high-powered wife and trio of daughters for financial stability and emotional maintenance. Martin Hainsbury, 65, has become a well-known fixture in the comment sections of The Advocate’s...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights woman has decided she’s due for a reward this black Friday, after making her own food for three days in a row instead of buying lunch out. Sick of seeing what little she had in her bank account at the end of every pay cycle, Dana Loosemore, 28, says she no longer plans on prioritising ‘her...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local man is preparing to grill his own cock this weekend after taking the plunge and buying himself a Grill Cock Deluxe at the Black Friday sales. Dennis Pooley, a used house salesman from Betoota Heights, scored 20% off the impressive grill and he's feeling pretty chuffed about himself. The Grill Cock was marked...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local mum has rewarded her son for being an angel during the weekly supermarket shop with what she claims is a nutritious and ethical treat, the ubiquitous twiggy stick. Willow Davidson, 32, of Betoota Grove, has raised eyebrows in the supermarket deli as she handed the highly processed meat product to her three-year-old son,...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman who found hybrid lash extensions and a facial for 40% off  is alleged to have spent the entire appointment in a state of anxiety, knowing that come pay time, she’ll have to reveal she’s a class traitor scum. Admitting that she only requires extensions for an event, so therefore has no plans on returning to the clinic,...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACT A grim discovery in the Betoota Hills household of the Parker family has turned out to be less CSI and more DIY. Shannon Parker was greeted by what appeared to be a brutal crime scene upon entering the bathroom she shares with her sister, Mila. Red streaks splattered across the tiles, a crimson- tinged sink, and a blood-soaked...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTEmily Stevens (26) has boldly declared to friends that these holidays she will reclaim her long- lost identity as a reader, despite not having finished a book since Twilight series took the world by storm in the 2010s. Armed with a freshly purchased paperback of Dolly Alderton’s Everything I Know About Love—carefully staged next to a soy latte...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTAlarm bells have begun ringing off in a local share house resident’s head after he noticed that the letters he's receiving in the mail are addressed to dozens of former tenants. "It's clear to me that there's been a lot of turnover in this house. Landlords must be an absolute nightmare," said Sam Reid (28). Sam said the revelation only...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman yet again finds herself fighting the feminine urge to completely remove herself from civilisation and live in the forest, where she’ll spend her days reading by the fireplace in her stone cottage and cooking stew, while inciting tales of fear and whimsy from nearby villagers who fear she may be a swamp hag. Citing her growing...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman who thought she managed to dodge a hangover after spending several hours on the piss last night, is blissfully unaware she is still shamefully pissed, and that her body plans to betray her by early afternoon. Happily bouncing into work this morning, Claire Phllips, 27, was overheard telling her work bestie that she was feeling weirdly good,...