Local News

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local man who has no need for chapstick other than the fact that he appears to like the mundane candle-like flavour, has today applied it to his lips for no reason. This comes after the 26-year-old from Betoota's Flight Path District saw his girlfriend use it - as they take in the sunlight of a roaring beer garden...

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTA local girl is cursing the concept of bottomless brunches today as she attempts to maintain a social life whilst staying sober. Stuck on a table of 12 at Siesta Cantina, a Betoota Lakes Mexican restaurant that serves cuisine about as authentic as a box of stand n’ stuff tacos from Woolies, Chelsea Peters (26) is dying...

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTA low-key house warming has taken a dramatic turn this afternoon as a group of girls decide to go full throttle. Seated around freshly put together IKEA dining table, local girls Karly, Hannah, Claire and Darcy have gathered to celebrate their friend Marnie’s recent apartment purchase. Having saved up for over three years, and getting a little boost...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTApple has today admitted that the only time their Airtags are used is when they got lost at kick ons. The report comes after Aaron Percy (29) was leaving an early morning get together and realised he had lost his keys, for undisclosed reasons. "I was about to get in the Uber and did a last minute pocket...

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTIn breaking news from Betoota’s dating scene, a new boyfriend has already been placed on a father-in-law’s watch list after failing to impress over the weekend. The story comes as 29-year-old Tyler Johns botched an important landing on Sunday, as he undertook the all-important meet and greet of the parents of his new squeeze. Having met...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA loyal supporter of the defenders of Australia's working class, Labor, has decided to treat her kids to an exotic dish from the mountains of Morocco that she saw once on her favorite channel, SBS Food. Marigold Wakehurst (57), an early gentrifier to the inner city, has long prided herself on being a staunch defender of the less fortunate—and...

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTTHAI? In a tragic yet entirely predictable turn of events, local couple Jake Henderson (28) and Emily Lawson (27)have abandoned their Friday night dinner plans after a grueling 45-minute battle of indecision.The couple, who have been together for five years, embarked on what they believed would be a simple task—deciding where to eat for dinner. However, as...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Editor | CONTACTIn a dramatic twist that’s left local real estate agents and career advisors scratching their heads, local woman Sophie Hart (29) has announced that she’ll need either a rich hubby or a serious promotion before even thinking about home ownership.Currently renting a modest unit with two housemates in Betoota’s French Quarter, Sophie has expressed her growing frustration with...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactThe arrival of a new office plant has prompted a flurry of conversation in a PR agency today, as resident ‘personality hire’ Sarah Mikaelson, 32, presents her latest attempt to breathe some much needed life into her dreary 9-5 - a pot plant named ‘Garry.’ Affectionately fussing with its, no, HIS, leaves, while her colleagues crowded around to ooh...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An outspoken gentleman from our town's lakeside suburbs has told anyone within earshot that he's displeased with the content that the national broadcaster. Shouting at the television this morning, retired businessman Roy Gooch tried to articulate his frustration at the ABC's reporting on the Federal Government's 'controversial' housing bill. He did so by having a...