Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It's the 28th of December and Betoota Heights sexagenarian Harry Acolon is wondering when his useless bloody youngest son with go back to his own home. With the indignity of Christmas come and gone, it's now time for things to return to normal but they haven't for Acolon. He's still looking at son Phil, slumped...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Local man Dan Spencer has kicked off 2025 with a bold claim from the comfort of his bed, whispering to himself that this year is going to be different. The statement, made at 9:03am today while still tangled in his sheets and scrolling this dreadful app, marks his latest attempt to convince himself that better...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn what might be the only good news of the year, it can now be confirmed that a former king of the sesh will be coming out of retirement for New Years! Once infamous for his ability to snort an ungodly amount of substances and stay awake for days at a time, James Mansfield 32, officially hung up his...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A French Quarter waiter has been forced to mentally prepare himself this weekend, after spotting a gaggle of boisterous middle aged women wearing kaftans heading his way, it’s reported. As a boyishly handsome young man, Adrian Girard, 22, knows that even though this type of clientele will leave him a sizeable tip, he’s likely going to have to suffer...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA bloke who’s notoriously hard to pin down for a hang has generously offered one of his mates a very last minute invite to a house shindig, giving him approximately six hours notice like he’s Fred Again dropping a Discord invite. Parker Preston, 32, who’s known to somehow have an extremely packed social calendar whilst constantly cancelling on friends,...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact In yet another example of the 'rock and the star' - a local woman has found love with a man that lacks everything that makes her sparkle. Betoota-based book publisher, Katie (30) has only recently opened up about her increasingly serious relationship with local property buyer's agent Langdon (35). It is not known where the hell they met, and it...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman cuddling up with her boyfriend has had a strong urge to crawl inside him, in what can be described as a psychopathic love urge. Snuggling into him as close as humanly possible, Anita Lewis, 28, finds it’s not enough to have skin to skin contact, she needs to physically be inside him. And not in a sexual way....

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman who loves her doona a little bit too much has ended up rocking to work looking like something the cat dragged in, after yet again choosing to lie in instead of looking presentable. Rocking her usual get up, which is a messy bun, baggy clothing and early any makeup, Amara Haversford, 28, admits there’s not much she...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA local millennial man Jared Heath (35) has today reaffirmed his belief that the kids need to go touch some grass.The man, who has a huge burn mark across his hand from a botched sparkler bomb accident in 1993, claims that the kids are far better off when they’re not in the house using technology.“Remember that game where...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA local victorian terrace share house has been left perplexed as to how their electricity bill could be so expensive this quarter. The bill, which covered the months of November, December and January appears to be almost double that of their regular bills, much to the confusion of the four roomies in their 20s. Maya (29), who was recently gifted...