Local News

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT In disappointing news for first home buyers, new statistics have revealed that an empty whitegoods box such as that used to hold a standard-sized dishwasher is now out of reach of most first home buyers.  With the average Australian income just under $50,000 and the average property costing $550,000, it would take approximately fucking ages to save up a...

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact It started with a simple question. "What should we do for Easter?" And everything began to unravel. "Oh, I was going to go with Murray and Glen to Tassie to go fly-fishing like I always do," said Sam Beadan, a Betoota Heights software engineer with an absolute fanatical interest in fly-fishing. It was at that time...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT She knows she shouldn’t do it. She really knows she shouldn’t do it. Why purposely hurt her own feelings? For what? But as her fingers hover over her laptop keyboard, local woman Mia Brown just can’t help herself. Who knows, maybe she’ll end up feeling better about herself? Highly doubtful, but still, there’s just no way she can contain her curiosity. As she...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT As she mindlessly scrolls through Tik Tok and wishes it had an auto-scroll option as her fingers are getting sore, local woman Leslie Ellis is briefly interrupted by a Snapchat notification. Knowing better than to open a request at 1 am but still lacking the self-respect most twenty-something women take a few years to develop, Leslie pauses her activity...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Seeing as how no one has mentioned climate change in a while, self-described ‘Social Media Ninja’ Scott Morrison, clocked on to his job as Prime Minister and dusted off an old phrase he hoped would ease the millions of Australians who believe rape allegations should be investigated. Upon being cornered by the press Mr Morrison decided to give these...

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT "We're on here boys" shouts local labourer, Jacko Morven (25) as he rolls back onto the worksite this arvo. The crowd of workmates gather round, as the second-in-charge of Diamantina Landscaping begins handing out the smoko orders. It's Friday arvo, and Jacko's shouted the boys on the company card. Eyes light up as the sausage rolls and chicken sambos make...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A resident at a local Betoota aged care facility has opened up today about her bold plan to get a half decent meal. Beryl Withers (89) who was residing in the ironically named Betoota Ponds Happy Village, spoke to our reporters about her incredible plan. Transferred to the Betoota Correctional Facility yesterday evening with Grievous Bodily Harm charges levelled against...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT As the clock creeps past 12 pm, local bloke Ben Housten tells himself that he can’t start his assignment now and it’ll have to be 12:30 pm instead. It’s alleged that Ben had awoken at 9 am that day to get his analytical chemistry unit out of the way so he could enjoy his day but is now having...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Food court patron Beatrice Olyphant (29) got more than she bargained for today as she ate her lunch in view of an adorable little baby who spent the whole time staring straight through her soul. Although proudly child-free (mostly due to economic factors/sticking it to mum), Olyphant couldn’t help but think the baby resting in the high chair next...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A Betoota Heights household decided it was high-time they forced their friends to participate in the shared indignity of a couples dinner party.  Party hosts Shirley and Roy Mycroft invited over a small group of friends including Shirley’s mate from work Yoke-Eng and her new partner Herb, meaning talk of Yoke-Eng’s divorce was sadly off the table. In the absence...