Local News

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTK-mart has admitted that they place their checkout as far away from the exit as possible in a cheeky attempt at tempting people to steal. The nationwide store re-design a few years ago moved the checkouts, which are traditionally at the exit of the store, to the centre of the store, tucked away with almost no one watching. "It can...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local city worker has let curiosity get the better of him again this week as he ducked into Uniqlo, only to discover their timeless Japanese clothes don't seem to fit his decadent Western meatsack very well. Following a strict programme of sleeping in, drinking 40 units of alcohol a week, avoiding nearly all exercise,...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A long-awaited morning of intense cardio has taken place in Betoota Heights today, as one husky local dad, Tony 'Tiny' Ashgrove, got cracking on the backyard. Today's task, which has been spoken about non-stop for the last week, required a little bit more elbow grease than usual. "That bamboo the neighbour planted is everywhere" said Tiny, as he applied sun...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Betoota Grove father Terry Douglas has just finished reburying the weapons cache he keeps in the backyard as world markets entered freefall yesterday, leaving the 59-year-old wondering if this was the big one we've all been waiting for. Japan's Nikkei went up like a cheap Christmas tree next to a heater yesterday on news that...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Regional Express (REX) is bouncing back from having their Boeings repossessed by the bank last week by announcing that they're just going to put the planes they own on the same routes because competition in aviation keeps ticket prices honest. Despite Qantas bigwigs dancing on the grave of REX's foray into jet-powered transport, the nation's...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The government has clarified that the our stubborn inflation rates are primarily due to the spending habits of Baby Boomers depleting their children's inheritance, rather than any excessive corporate profiteering. Treasurer Jimothy Chalmers addressed the nation yesterday, highlighting the true cause of inflation. "We need to be clear about this," he said. "It's not corporate...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Tesla advocate and green lifestyle enjoyer, Banjo Clementé, was recently heard exclaiming "Haha, I love this song!" as 'Die Yuppie Die' by the Painters & Dockers blared through his state-of-the-art sound system. Clementé, who lives in fear that his friends will find out his parents bought the house he's told everyone he bought all by...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Betoota Advocate's own Dave Henderson has reported experiencing unprecedented mental clarity, claiming he can now bend spoons with his mind after completing Dry July, a month-long sobriety challenge. Dave, or Big Dave as he's known around the office for his big Friday post-work pub visits, decided to take on Dry July to see what...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Betoota Heights sexagenarian Gary Morrison has taken a bold step into the world of fine dining. The retired automotive paint salesman stunned his family last night with a dinner request that could only have come from hours spent watching MasterChef or possibly a mid-life crisis. "Some black truffle oil on your shaved radicchio salad?" Gary...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the world continues to hurtle forward at a rapid pace, a local expert has confirmed that newer isn't always better. Shayne Thompson (36) from Betoota Heights has explained that while all these new E-Bikes kicking around the town are pretty flash, they still don't quite have that je ne sais quoi. "Pardon my French," laughed Shayne. "Seriously...