Local News

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local woman has filed another complaint with her husband today. This comes after the Betoota Heights local stared half a dinner's worth of risotto in the face this morning. "You are fucking kidding," she sighed "I put this glorified mister on last night before bed," she continued as she contemplated pulling individual somewhat clean items out of the...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact For years it has held pride of place in Justin March’s man cave, between the dart board and the pinball machine that sort-of works. But now questions are being asked about the provenance of the painting, which has previously been attributed to Dutch post-impressionist painter Vincent Van Gogh.  “In my opinion this is in no way a work...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Channel 9 is under fire from viewers after a third day has passed without a Bindi Irwin update. Bindi, daughter of the late wildlife and crikey enthusiast Steve Irwin, married partner Chandler Powell in March of 2020 and the couple are expecting a baby in about a month, which is very exciting for them, and according to...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A Betoota Heights woman has today found out the hard way that technology can be both a wonderful and damning thing, it’s reported. Ducking out to her local IGA for another bucket of choc chip ice cream and a bottle of plonk, Mel Foster was immediately alerted by the buzzing in her pocket that she’d spent an alarming...

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT The line of eager patrons waiting to get into the Lord Kidman Hotel stretched an entire city block last night, as Betoota residents came out in force to watch the Sydney Sixers nab a 27-run win over Perth Scorchers in the Big Bash League final. However, the images of frustrated cricket fans now being shared on social media...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT At age thirty-four and inundated with a slew of minor health problems that could quickly spiral if left unchecked, local digital project manager Anthony Thomas has had to tone back his extracurricular activities and instead find happiness in small things. Prior to this new lease on life, it’s alleged Anthony’s routine had consisted of working long hours during the...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT As peers around the kitchen for potential onlookers, local dad John Wauchope gently picks up his daughter Christina's puppy ‘Mr. Noodle’ and cradles him to his chest. It’s said that the fifty-five-year-old chippy had vehemently opposed to the idea of bringing a dog into the household, citing that he ‘didn’t want an ankle-biter’ and ‘especially not one of those...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local JobSeeker recipient Benjamin Tooth (29) has reached a new level of being broke. After being made redundant due to Covid last year, Tooth has rolled back certain luxuries in his life, giving up barista-made coffee and eating breakfast in general. But nothing could prepare the out-of-work account manager for the grim reality that today he would have to suck...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Betoota Heights teenager Melanie Sousa (15) has dipped her toes into the world of vices today as she tried a few puffs on a vape just to see if she would enjoy a lifetime addicted to nicotine. Despite definitely only being for people over 18, single use vapes come in a wide variety of colours and flavours that are...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Speaking in hushed tones, a group of local mums are today conspiring about whose heathen child could possibly be patient zero, after a mass email from the school’s principal confirmed that a student had been found with nits. Spearheaded by head bitch and leader of the parent-teacher council, Patricia Wheaten-Leadly, the group of enraged mothers have been quick...