Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local woman has today consulted the stars to figure out why her crush has dialled down the heat, it’s reported. Leona Robertson was allegedly in the early dating stages with a young gentleman by the name of Chris, when the barrage of affection had slowed to nothing more than the occasional head pat, and the good morning...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Cody Chapel (33) does not ask for much.  All Chapel asks for is a labouring job without drug tests, enough money for some beer, and a decent connection to the earth and NBN. He’d also ask that people consider their own prejudice before making assumptions about him based on his appearance.  “I’d also like people to know that I’ve had...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Choosing to do some spring cleaning at the latest possible time to do so, Leane Trivoski (58) decided to conquer the enigmatic enemy of minimalism that is her kitchen messy draw. “It’s just the sort of place we keep things we don’t need right now but will probably need later,” stated Trivoski as she ran a hand through a...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local punter is refusing to rest on his laurels it can be confirmed. Following a huge win on a horse, no one tipped, Ben Wilson, is today looking to keep the good times rolling with a roughie in the US election. Nursing a monster hangover, and working from home, Wilson is today furiously trying to research the...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Nine years ago, millennial Tessa Paulo (26) was promised by her parents that Facebook would rot her brain. Turns out, Paulo’s parents weren’t wrong but not in the way they had intended.  A nationwide survey of 1,155 families has determined that the average parent spends 30% more time on Facebook than their children ever did during high school. “It’s pretty hypocritical,”...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As Australian Halloween celebrations continue to increase in popularity so to the opinions of people who think the event is a crock because they never did it when they were kids. “If I’d of tried that my mum would have given me the spoon,” states boomer and Halloween denier Carol Colt (68).  “And this was when the streets were still...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Alison should have known by his chinos and slicked-back hair that Alex Gardener was either a spoiled trust-fund kid or worse, a real estate agent. She reports that her first date with Alex had been going well until the topic of favourite movies had come up, and he’d listed American Psycho in his ‘top five.’ “The movies he listed just got progressively worse”, says...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local Year 12 student has pulled off a clever little play this morning. Feeling underdone for her Ancient History test this morning, Angie Wilton was praying for a miracle. Not quite across the goings-on of Themistocles and the prowess of the Athenian Navy, Angie was starting to get overwhelmed by the fact this mark feels like it means...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Appliance manufacturer Breville has unveiled a device which it claims will help speed up the brekky rush; a circular roof-mounted sensor which alerts hungry breakfasters when their toast is ready.  The ‘Toast-A-Larm’ is designed to be mounted to the ceiling within a 25 metre radius of the toaster and will sound a piercing 80 decibel alarm as soon as...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Moey Gerges (31) isn't one for trying new things, but today he was overcome by a very affective marketing campaign at a local small business. The Betoota Ponds based chippy says he really wishes there was a decent carvery nearby, but given the fact that he's working in the centre of the town's rapidly gentrifying Flight Path District, he...