Local News

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact As Santa alters his regular procedures to accommodate social distancing, children are being advised to choose sturdy presents that will survive the new zero-contact delivery technique; slam-dunking the presents down the chimney.  “Our Risk Assessments have shown that employing social distancing is the most effective way of preventing the spread of COVID-19, said Danielf, the North Pole’s OH&S...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A new mum has unwittingly committed a huge social faux pas, after casually announcing she plans to skip sleep training, it’s reported. Natalie Pryor had allegedly been feeling a bit down in the dumps, as she’d quickly discovered being a new mum was fraught with loneliness, boredom, and a lot of unwanted advice from family members. In an effort...

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT Local Italian, Brad De Luca (32) reckons this is gonna be the summer of local Italian, Brad De Luca (32). The former Betoota Mutts prem grade flanker turned socially alcoholic roofer reckons if he can get in 100 rounds of boxing before Christmas, and maybe 10 to 15 kilometres a day on the assault bike, he's gonna be...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local man David Gordon has today been asked the one question he’d rather have avoided, after a routine bar night with his best gal pal ended up opening some emotions he’d naively thought had long been buried. David and Lisa were reportedly having a drink with some newly made mates forged by liquor when one of the blokes...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Olfactory memory or ‘smell memory’ refers to a memory that’s triggered by an odour. Whether it’s an old perfume that reminds you of a past love or a waft of smoke that evokes memories of nights spent conversing with strangers in a smoking section, smell memories can be pleasant or downright awful. For local woman Elyse Hobbs, it’s unfortunately...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Prime Minister has today taken the fight to our greatest trading partner, and in trademark fashion. "You wanna talk about war crimes, well how bout Pearl Harbour mate," said the seemingly triggered snowflake this afternoon. Scott Morrison issued the powerful retort to China after one of its spokespeople posted a pretty full-on meme. China's Foreign Ministry spokesman Zhao...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Office Manager Brendan Wallis probably wouldn’t have been in charge of the annual Christmas bash, if his colleagues had any idea of his hobbies, it’s reported. Having just been hired roughly six months ago, the 35-year-old father-like figure was quickly welcomed by the rest of the staff, most likely due to his facilitating of drinking sessions. But under this...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A big dumb husband has today spent a huge chunk of money to get rekt online by people young enough to be his kids. This comes as the 29-year-old father of none just splashed out on a brand new Play Station 5, something his wife can't quite wrap her head around. "All he does is get angry and...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Staring intermittently at the clock on her computer, local woman Sam Thompson mindlessly taps away at her computer keyboard as she attempts to bullshit her way over the required word count. The essay in question - a 1,500-word research piece on the most popular artists of the Northern Renaissance era - was yet another mindless, filler assignment from her...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT All local woman Lindsay Moore wanted to do was sit down and watch a movie with her mum. An activity that should have been easy enough, given it involved simply looking at a screen. It’s alleged Lindsay had received a call from her mother Gill one Friday afternoon when she’d picked up an edge of loneliness in her mother’s...