Local News

BEAU RIVERS | Local News | Contact Cleaning out his overpriced and undersized Kogarah apartment, local man Jack Derrin (27), has today taken the first steps towards a life of productive minimalism. Minimalism is a trend whereby participants discard their unused possessions, in order to make room for things that truly matter. Taking cues from cleaning expert Marie Kondo, Jack held each of his possessions...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local dad has struggled to hide his emotions this morning after waking up on Father’s Day and finding that his family had done absolutely nothing for him. Speaking to The Advocate over a piece of Vegemite toast, Trenton Edwards, explained how this is the first time all year that his family has listened to anything he’s said. “They asked...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Speaking this morning from an unpopular CBD office building foyer, a 30-year-old finance guy has today set the record straight on a big issue. Dale Wilson has confirmed that capitalism is a flawless economic system that doesn't deserve to have it's merits discussed going forward. "Capitalism rewards hard work and innovation," explained the 30-year-old stay at home son...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a feel-good story from Coogee this afternoon, a local Year 12 student has had a weight lifted off her shoulders. This comes as Maddie Kelly gets set to tackle her HSC exams, in preparation for the real thing in a month or so's time. In a bit of a fluster this afternoon, young Maddie was beginning to...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A man looks set for the relatively bright lights of some international festivals after putting his comedic prowess on full display today. 3rd year apprentice Bruce Shayler did so this morning by taking a break from tagging his mates in photos of dildos on drills, to tag one of his mates in a Pilot ad for Erectile Dysfunction – an issue which affects...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An act of tremendous cowardice was committed in Betoota’s French Quarter this weekend as the self-elected host of kick-ons decided they were ready to go to bed. During an uncanny valley COVID-era visit to a pub, local grog monster Henry Sheffield (29) enjoyed an evening on the piss with mates so much that he wasn’t ready to let it...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In order to continue the Queensland way of life and maintain the ability to blame CoronaVirus on no-good southerners, the state government has released a series of COVID-19 guidelines they hope will do both. One of the most strongly advised guidelines recommends sanitising the goonsack before giving the hills hoist a spin during the classic underaged drinking game Goon...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact As CoronaVirus continues to make a home in Melbourne like a craft beer loving street artist, the message from the government couldn’t be plainer; don't panic buy. Although this message has been spread far and wide there are still some who are not getting it and are loading their shopping trolleys with items that most accurately represent their needs...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Despite smelling like a pisshouse every Friday afternoon, local grandad Richard Mills reckons he hasn’t been to the pub in a while. The pensioner insisted that he’d quit the RSL as paying four bucks for a schooner of beer was nothing short of a ‘highway robbery.’ However, Richard is at a loss to explain the increasing number of...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Long time liberal voter and university lecturer, Harrison Rhyde, has had a hard time adapting to the modern classroom, and states that he ‘often has to watch what he says.’ Known in the past for making jokes about women and using the occasional racial slur, Harrison complains that the ‘wokeness’ of his students, coupled with the quick access...