Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT After a solid three months of benders, local man Patrick Field has decided to officially swap his 5 HTP for some Vitamin B12 in an effort to restore his wrecked body to its primary functions. It’s alleged the twenty seven old had staged his own intervention when he’d woken up with a mysterious black eye one Sunday morning, and...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Honestly, if local woman Alyssa Clarke had rethought the events of her night, she would have seen that the warning signs were all there. The suggestion to do sambuca shots. The request to exchange Snapchat names. The slight almost indescribable nod to the DJ before Limp Bizkit started playing. But no, as Alyssa eyed the tight rolled up white T shirt barely...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Caucasian man from Betoota Grove has been urged to either get a bit of sun, or refrain from wearing bright yellow in the future. This follows the aesthetic nightmare that took place at the Betoota City Arcade this afternoon. A local shopper was seen wearing a chesty yellow t-shirt that could have never looked good on him, in any...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local girl Emily Thompson has long suspected she was the least liked member of her friendship trio but tonight’s activities have now confirmed her worst fears. It’s alleged Emily had first been alerted to her position in the friendship hierarchy when the group chat between her and her best mates, Izzie and Addie, had grown suspiciously quiet. That, coupled with never...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE |CONTACT A year eight classroom has united today, after their teacher Mr Ellis made the mistake of divulging a detail from his personal life. Taking a small break from teaching the class about the adorably named but thoroughly confusing ‘box and whisker plots’, Mr Ellis casually mentioned a rock concert he went to in his youth. Deep down, he should...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Business bros and start-up lifers are loving the newest trend sweeping the finance world; taking a quick micro-run before going to the bathroom to freshen up. At least that was the case for sweating stock broker Jeremy McKewn (40) who emerged out of the pub toilet looking like he’d just been for a run moments before. “Pushing it for the...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT One long-acknowledged charm of regional Australia is the local TV commercials, usually featuring the business owner talking in a monotone droll or going the complete opposite direction and doing something that just wouldn't fly in the city. Every once in a while however, a regional TV viewer will stumble across a rare gem of a locally produced ad that...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact In another blow to Tasmania, residents have been further isolated by the loss of the state’s internet.  The technical difficulties have come at a bad time for Tasmanians, many of whom are still reeling from a local share market crash earlier this year that wiped literally tens of dollars off the books.  Since 1997, Tasmanian internet has been supplied...

BEAU RIVERS | Local News | Contact Local metalhead Jay Degura has today really pushed the limits of his workplaces’ casual Friday tradition, rocking up in a vintage Cannibal Corpse long sleeve. Jay is kinda new to this whole office culture, having spent the last three years trying to get his Kung Fu-Goregrind-Metalcore band off the ground. “I started getting weird looks straight away,” Jay...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local pub in Betoota Heights has today performed a little magic trick. The Bearded Pig on The Link Road in our aspirational district, did so this morning by turning 10 kilos of the cheapest bulk beef mince into Wagyu. Wagyu is a type of beef that is growing in popularity around the country and the world for...