Local News

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a feel-good story from Coogee this afternoon, a local Year 12 student has had a weight lifted off her shoulders. This comes as Maddie Kelly gets set to tackle her HSC exams, in preparation for the real thing in a month or so's time. In a bit of a fluster this afternoon, young Maddie was beginning to...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A man looks set for the relatively bright lights of some international festivals after putting his comedic prowess on full display today. 3rd year apprentice Bruce Shayler did so this morning by taking a break from tagging his mates in photos of dildos on drills, to tag one of his mates in a Pilot ad for Erectile Dysfunction – an issue which affects...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An act of tremendous cowardice was committed in Betoota’s French Quarter this weekend as the self-elected host of kick-ons decided they were ready to go to bed. During an uncanny valley COVID-era visit to a pub, local grog monster Henry Sheffield (29) enjoyed an evening on the piss with mates so much that he wasn’t ready to let it...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In order to continue the Queensland way of life and maintain the ability to blame CoronaVirus on no-good southerners, the state government has released a series of COVID-19 guidelines they hope will do both. One of the most strongly advised guidelines recommends sanitising the goonsack before giving the hills hoist a spin during the classic underaged drinking game Goon...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact As CoronaVirus continues to make a home in Melbourne like a craft beer loving street artist, the message from the government couldn’t be plainer; don't panic buy. Although this message has been spread far and wide there are still some who are not getting it and are loading their shopping trolleys with items that most accurately represent their needs...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Despite smelling like a pisshouse every Friday afternoon, local grandad Richard Mills reckons he hasn’t been to the pub in a while. The pensioner insisted that he’d quit the RSL as paying four bucks for a schooner of beer was nothing short of a ‘highway robbery.’ However, Richard is at a loss to explain the increasing number of...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Long time liberal voter and university lecturer, Harrison Rhyde, has had a hard time adapting to the modern classroom, and states that he ‘often has to watch what he says.’ Known in the past for making jokes about women and using the occasional racial slur, Harrison complains that the ‘wokeness’ of his students, coupled with the quick access...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT They often say a picture tells a thousand words, and for James Silva that was certainly the case today. Sitting down in the least shit inner city park in Betoota's French Quarter this afternoon, the young office worker thought he would treat himself to a bit of a dirty meal. "I brought in lunch the last couple of...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a somewhat odd story from Betoota Heights this morning, a young lady named Alsion Lee has today decided to eat a peculiar meal. The young solicitor explained to The Advocate that she decided to try something different, and consume her microplastics before they get diluted down the food chain. "Yeah so I just had a big few...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A local woman has experienced the shock of her life today, after eating a falafel wrap in four minutes flat. Sarah Young is alleged to have grabbed the offending snack from her local kebab shop and was seen ferociously wolfing it down so quickly, that she consumed half the wrapper. Chasing it down with a swig from...