Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local man has made an out of character move today by exhibiting some good judgement for once, it’s reported. Pete or ‘Twenty Pint Pete’ as he’s lovingly referred to by his mates, had been unsuccessfully applying for jobs when he finally landed himself an interview. The firm, a little known corporate cesspool that prides itself on having...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The news of Australia’s beloved Holden coming to an end has rocked Australians to their very core, with many Aussies applying for bereavement leave. But, as they say, chaos creates opportunity, and technology entrepreneur Elon Musk is not one to shy away from an opportunity. At his Palo Alto headquarters, Elon Musk revealed his latest electronic invention, an 8-Volt Supercar...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT With O-Week well and truly underway at Betoota University, 19-year-old aspiring legal eagle Adam Betts has been hard at it, moulding and sculpting his freshly updated uni persona inspired by rogue fictional lawyer Saul Goodman. The dodgy lawyer apparently became the young man’s role-model during a week-long Stan binge of the Breaking Bad prequel Better Call Saul – which...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Betoota Grove CEO Lachlan Turnbull-Lowy (44) has today instilled some wisdom on the new sales grad whose just been hired at his family's 4th-generation pharmaceutical company. Before getting a job at ELITE PHARMA, Leroy Sheck (24) had only really worked at a second hand car dealership, as well as a brief job as assistant bistro manager at the...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A Betoota Heights boy has today incurred his first taste of real-life after having a trampoline session with his older, slightly huskier neighbours.  Tim Grant had reportedly been on his trampoline for a record two minutes before his bouncing caught the eye of the notorious neighbourhood shits, Lisa and Danielle . The terrible two had immediately ceased...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A newly-unwrapped drone has finally been lost forever after enduring a full 6 minutes of crashing into stuff, in what could be a new record. The drone, purchased as a birthday present for 25-year-old Luke Poplar, featured a wi-fi camera, blinking lights and a number of other impressive feature which now only exist in the picture on the side of the...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT An impromptu family lunch has brought up some suppressed rage courtesy of a couple of bottles of cheap port, it’s reported. The Tomlinson household had convened for a chat over some Brie cheese and water crackers, when the topic soon changed from social niceties about nieces and nephews, to past regrets. “We had the opportunity to buy...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local bachelor Aaron Wells has been a little out of touch with the ladies since his breakup and has reportedly regressed to his teenage ways. The heartbroken uni student had recently moved his belongings to an on-campus share house and is rumoured to have only left his room to use the toilet or to heat up some...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local bloke has briefly postponed an awful hangover thanks to a panic-induced adrenaline rush, it’s reported. Lachlan James says he hadn’t planned a night out but when a mate suggested some Saturday afternoon drinks at the local RSL, he couldn’t say no. As the beers began to morph into rum and Cokes, Lachlan chose to...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Betoota local Patrick “Spiderman” Hayes has inadvertently found himself international fame after wandering out to the bins and into the hearts of dancers everywhere as he stumbled through a spiderweb and subsequently invented an exciting new move. The “Electric Ninja”, which involves walking normally across the dancefloor, before suddenly ripping invisible spiders off your body in a panicked manner...