Local News

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An incredibly good-looking actress that just about everyone in the world knows about doesn’t get enough credit for how hot she is, says a local insurance assessor named Drew. The Betoota Heights bachelor, who hasn’t really been with a woman for the best part of two years, has today asked his mates at the pub why no one has mentioned...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local household has narrowly avoided danger today, courtesy of their slightly overweight Labrador, Charlie. The family pet, known affectionately as ‘fat ass’, had taken up his usual sleeping spot near the front door when some suspicious footsteps caught his attention. Though he had the capacity to let out a deep bellowing bark, as evident whenever a possum...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Despite his best efforts, Betoota Heights Tim Brown has had a hard time netting himself a date lately. Brown, an accountant and owner of an indie film critic blog, reveals that he’d been feeling especially shit over the holiday season as everyone, including his weird uncle Joe, appears to be shacked up except him. “It’s been a bit...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact A local gym as introduced a new policy to make men who’ve grown up in Betoota over the past couple of decades with relatively little violence in their lives feel tough. The inner-city gym that charges $80 a week thinks they’ve found a way to at least make blokes feel like they could land a couple of...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact Despite growing up herself, Kate Domonic has today revealed to the world that she still hasn’t quite figured out the natural ageing process of a human. The discovery was made after the young mother uploaded a photo of her baby with the caption “how are you 6 months old already?” The caption raised a lot of alarm bells for friends and family...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact Tina the house cat has reached a new level of shitty today after attacking a Chesterfield couch in front of its owner, it’s reported. The moggy, adopted roughly three years ago from the Betoota RSPCA, was explicitly told multiple times that the couch was off-limits. However, after receiving a scolding for a pot plant-related incident, Tina reportedly made...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local woman today has deeply regretted her hairstyle choice after feeling the urge to shake things up a little, it’s reported. Stacey Gibbs, owner of three moleskin journals, isn’t sure if she has the personality or the head shape to pull off a messy bun.  This comes after six months of sporting an Ariana Grande type ponytail which...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT An inner-city gathering has today gone from classy shindig to major pissup after the arrival of local gronk, Jared Rook. Announcing his presence by bursting through the door and screaming ‘YEEEEWWW’, a red-eyed Jared was desperately trying to cling to his high before succumbing to what will be a truly shocking comedown. His enthusiasm, most likely brought on by...

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | CONTACT In an almost fluid transition, former high school alpha Becky Claire-Kelly (27) has graduated from the chick that makes girls feel bad about being overweight in the school yard to the chick that making normal people who aren't 100% up to date with Lena Dunham-style cancel culture feel bad on Twitter. As someone who needs the structure of an...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact It’s long been suspected that Tim Houghton was the shittest bloke in their friendship group, but a recent stunt at a Betoota pub confirmed it for a group of honest, beer loving mates.  The tight-knit group of men had been in rounds drinking pints of Betoota Bitter all afternoon. It’s believed that when it came to Tim’s turn he...