Local News

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local homeschooled kid named Aldous Hemmingway who is bored out of his mind right now, said he'd give anything to go to the trampoline venue. "If that's where all the other kids are, I'd love to go," he said while swinging his legs sitting on one of the chairs in his parent's terrace house garden. His comments...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Fashion is usually the last thing on someone’s mind when they rush to the emergency room, which is why Ugg boots are often always on show. Need to get up to speed on what to do and what not to do during this pandemic. Have a listen to our chat with Dr Norman Swan. A Betootan behavioural science...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT The classic school prank of covering somebody’s house in toilet paper for some reason has become another victim of the coronavirus as Australia’s high school students get priced out of the toilet paper market. LISTEN TO OUR COVID-19 SPECIAL WITH DR. NORMAN SWAN! WHAT TO DO? WHAT NOT TO FUCKING DO DURING THIS PANDEMIC After early experiments involving the throwing...

LOUIS BURKE | Investigation | CONTACT As the frenzy around COVID-19 continues to fester, Australian supermarkets have given citizens a sneak preview into battling for resources during the end of days. With many supermarkets running low on essential items, harrowing stories have emerged of aggression and violence within these stores, some of which were tragically not filmed. One such low-point occurred at 4 pm yesterday, when...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After a week of being on his best behaviour, Betoota Heights man Ash Timbs has let it all come crumbling down. Following his efforts to ensure he rigorously implemented correct social distancing practices at all times, the young Engineer has let it all go to waste with a risky schooner carry this arvo. With hand sanitiser in his...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT The employees of Betoota Engineering and Instrumentation Pty Ltd were subjected to emergency medical checks yesterday after reports an employee had displayed coronavirus symptoms. The employee in question, Boilermaker Trevor Dali showed up to work on Monday morning but was quickly sent home after complaining of a fever, cough and sore throat. Fortunately, all other employees were later tested and...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact You’ve heard of bridezillas and mumzillas, but this evening in a young  engaged couple’s home a new type of monster is evolving.  While going through their 190 strong wedding list that needs to be culled down to 170, Tom Adams began sulking about all the friends he had to cut from his wedding list.  “Why do I have to cut my...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a touching news story from our town's Betoota Ponds district today, a local landlord has shown his softer side. The acquirer of capital who inherited a couple of houses in a prime area from his parents which he leveraged to purchase a significant number of properties with very good rental yields has decided to put profits aside and...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Betoota Acres man Jason Denso, 27, has today learnt he is homosexual.  The news, delivered by a teenaged rival whose character he had just ‘360 no scoped’ in popular online first-person shooter game Call of Duty, came seemingly out of the blue. “It really came as a shock to find out I was gay," said a bemused Jason. “I mean...

LOUIS BURKE | Investigation | CONTACT Ask surfer Alan McKendrick (26) what he did with his morning and his response will almost always have to do with an early start, a buoyant strip of fibreglass and the untamable ocean.  Those close to McKendrick would describe this activity as surfing but as the man himself and he will instead tell you he ‘entered the green room,’...