Local News

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Max Dabton was just minding his own business when his mate, Henry Wanksać, did the intellectual equivalent of spitting in someone’s face. “Mate, you seen Colbert’s latest video?” asked a smug Wanksać, knowing full well that Dabton didn’t watch Colbert. “Man, the way he talks about US policy is just incredible”  Speaking with The Advocate after the intelligence assault, Dabton further explained why...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Patrons at Betoota’s Royal King Hit Hotel have been let down by something that isn’t a craft beer tap takeover for a change. At approximately 10:30 pm, a fight between two men started in the gaming room, drawing lopsided eyes away from the screens telling them how much of their daughters' education they just lost. Unfortunately, the brawlers were identified...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As Disney makes a daring step closer to managing your every action, word and thought, their new streaming service Disney+ has launched in Australia. Especially excited about this is office administrator Corrine Scott (32) who has already purchased her subscription to the streaming platform she will gladly neglect adult responsibilities to enjoy. “Aah! All 29 seasons of The Simpsons!” exclaimed...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local mum/ white class junkie Debra Mills was left reeling today when her attempt to get Valium was quashed. Debra reveals that she’d seen her local doctor about a self diagnosed anxiety disorder and ‘sleep problems’ when she was simply written a prescription for Lexapro and sent on her way. Disappointed that her thinly veiled plan had failed,...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact If there is one sure sign that life is passing you by, it’s that your friends start having babies. That’s the stark wake-up call Betoota Heights woman Bianca Wonderman received this afternoon after one of her best friends announced she was expecting. “FUCK OFF” Bianca screamed down the phone to her friend. “I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! THIS IS...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT The market is in shock today after the overnight collapse of the price of a barrel of oil: down over 85% to just US$8.92 as markets opened this morning. Market analysts have their own theories about what caused the sudden fall, but most agree the drastic movement can be traced to an incident at the Betoota Service Centre &...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact If Nath Little-John didn’t want anyone to know he’d taken a kickboxing class at the Betoota Bad Mother Fucker Academy, he’s definitely going about it the wrong way. Colleagues and friends close to Nath have revealed that the novice kickboxer has mentioned how much he wants to “fly kick people in the head” upwards of 500 times, and the day isn’t even over...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A tense situation unfolded in Betoota Heights earlier today. Married couple Elaine (56) and Gerry Scott (57) were entertaining friends Linda and Lloyd Hughes when Elaine made a mistake that went beyond the realms of conforming to traditional gender norms. Emerging from the kitchen with a stubby holder wrapped bottle of beer for each man, Elaine made the mistake of...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An impromptu comedy show took place at Betoota Heights High School this week when standard English teacher Mr McKendrick suggested his year 10 students get a head start on their year 11 prescribed texts over the holidays. Trying to prepare his students for the various films, novels and poems 1% of them will have to interpret in their future...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Office Kris Kringles have the charming ability to force kinship amongst your colleagues with the all-to-familiar sense of having promised yourself 12 months ago you wouldn’t be here for this event. The anatomically-incorrectly titled Head of People Susan Stone (41) has once again brought the staff of Flash Financial together with a lighthearted Kris Kringle for which participation is...