Local News

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Climate scientists are once again reeling after a pair of local property owners have landed a nother body blow. The blow comes in the form of an aggressive Facebook status posted by John, of John And Sherryl, which completely refutes what the account refers to as 'Global Warming.' Having seemingly missed the memo that society has moved on...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The family of Bruce Walters have just been alerted to the fact that he's heading out and about. That alert came in the form of the 64-year-old semi-retired plumber tucking his t-shirt into his jeans before noisily looking for his flip phone and wallet. The tucking in of a t-shirt into jeans is a practice followed by the nation's...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The age old social faux pas of asking a woman her age may be made redundant today after a report released by the CSIRO revealed you can now determine someone’s age without even speaking to them.  The year-long study carefully monitored two separate groups of women, one in their twenties and the other in their thirties. And, despite dressing...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An incredibly good-looking actress that just about everyone in the world knows about doesn’t get enough credit for how hot she is, says a local insurance assessor named Drew. The Betoota Heights bachelor, who hasn’t really been with a woman for the best part of two years, has today asked his mates at the pub why no one has mentioned...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local household has narrowly avoided danger today, courtesy of their slightly overweight Labrador, Charlie. The family pet, known affectionately as ‘fat ass’, had taken up his usual sleeping spot near the front door when some suspicious footsteps caught his attention. Though he had the capacity to let out a deep bellowing bark, as evident whenever a possum...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Despite his best efforts, Betoota Heights Tim Brown has had a hard time netting himself a date lately. Brown, an accountant and owner of an indie film critic blog, reveals that he’d been feeling especially shit over the holiday season as everyone, including his weird uncle Joe, appears to be shacked up except him. “It’s been a bit...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact A local gym as introduced a new policy to make men who’ve grown up in Betoota over the past couple of decades with relatively little violence in their lives feel tough. The inner-city gym that charges $80 a week thinks they’ve found a way to at least make blokes feel like they could land a couple of...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact Despite growing up herself, Kate Domonic has today revealed to the world that she still hasn’t quite figured out the natural ageing process of a human. The discovery was made after the young mother uploaded a photo of her baby with the caption “how are you 6 months old already?” The caption raised a lot of alarm bells for friends and family...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact Tina the house cat has reached a new level of shitty today after attacking a Chesterfield couch in front of its owner, it’s reported. The moggy, adopted roughly three years ago from the Betoota RSPCA, was explicitly told multiple times that the couch was off-limits. However, after receiving a scolding for a pot plant-related incident, Tina reportedly made...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local woman today has deeply regretted her hairstyle choice after feeling the urge to shake things up a little, it’s reported. Stacey Gibbs, owner of three moleskin journals, isn’t sure if she has the personality or the head shape to pull off a messy bun.  This comes after six months of sporting an Ariana Grande type ponytail which...