Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It’s smiles all round in Betoota Ponds as intermittent couple Toby Walsh (32) and Fiona Franklin (34) are back on again.  The news has received critical acclaim from the couple’s friends and co-workers who are really looking forward to the next juicy fallout from the pair that are now basically an overdrawn, live-action Jerry Springer episode. Perhaps the only party...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local woman Vicki Stewart (46) is gift wrapping for two again after her husband Darren (40) has insisted he is still so bad at wrapping presents. Although Vicki states she doesn’t mind doing the wrapping for both of them, she does find it a bit bullshit that Darren has not even attempted to wrap a present since Christmas six...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In an event that has angered many the owner of a saggy, white ballsack, Time Magazine presented teenage climate change activist Greta Thunberg with their Person of the Year. The Time Person of the Year issue has been released annually since 1927 and is regarded as being an event of such cultural significance that you probably can’t even remember...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local sucker for punishment has done it again this week. After a big day at work, Elyse Kovacic decided to top it all off by committing to an extremely complicated and a lengthy dinner recipe. With the year pretty much bow-tied, and a takeaway meal or some mince poured onto some nachos perfectly justifiable, the young bank...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Betoota resident Liam Mitchell has reportedly been keeping an eye out for any suspicious-looking mud piles in the odd chance they could be quicksand. The eight-year-old had developed the obsession out of nowhere, and was now convinced that running into quicksand was an inevitable part of life. To prepare for his fate, Lisa says he watched read some...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT In worrying news, millennials are under fire again today for ruining yet another industry. According to some bloke at The Daily Mail, the telemarketing industry has taken a huge hit in the last decade, with many young people choosing to ignore calls from an unknown number. This comes shortly after it was announced that millennials were single-handedly responsible...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The art of mastering a foreign language is one that takes years of practice and study, and the sound of beautifully spoken French by a bilingual Betootan is a true treat to the ears. However, this evening at a Betoota Ponds house the French being spoken is far from a treat, it’s being scrunched up, spat on and...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | CONTACT As the end of 2019 draws near it brings with it Spotify’s yearly wrap up of what its listeners have been streaming.  Like everyone who listens to music, local woman Jessie Griffiths likes to think she’s a bit of an expert and that her music taste is better than everyone else’s. But as her most played songs screenshot reveals,...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Local Sales and Marketing Brand Advisor Luke Pawsey is feeling a little under the weather today it can be confirmed. This comes after the sheepish, reasonably reserved local man rolled into work looking like he'd been jumped down a dark alley in London. "You alright Paws," asked his annoyingly upbeat boss who went hiking on the weekend, motioning...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT As blame continues to be passed around for the comparative lack of newsworthy pranks pulled by the outgoing classes of 2019, some experts claim the root of the problem can be traced to fuel prices. American Comedy icon Jo Koy joins the editors on the podcast this week before he begins the Australian leg of his world tour. Have a...