Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Office worker and covert cannabis enthusiast Mezz Amari (29) has made mistake he can’t just giggle off. During an office-hours conversation regarding the weight of a package co-worker Linda Elliott (33) was ordering from the USA, Amari outed himself as a stoner by providing an un-Googled understanding of how ounces convert to grams. “0.035 ounces to a gram or roughly...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local boyfriend has fucked up, again, it can be confirmed. The mildly mannered but often docile engineer living in the French Quarter named Sean Adams has done so this time by chucking some beeswax wraps in the bin. “Makes it pretty expensive cling wrap Sean,” began Vanessa, his long term girlfriend. “Why would you think that they go in the bin? Honestly, why...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local suit is coming to terms with the fact he is a 'fucking idiot,' it can be confirmed. This comes after the young man made the same mistake he's made numerous times over the course of his work life, again. Stupidly, naively and ambitiously, the local accountant decided to order himself a healthy salad ahead of what...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local man Lachlan King is most definitely not into The Bachelorette and doesn’t understand why people ‘watch that kind of shit.’ Despite being a chronic couch hoverer whenever the show is on, Lachlan regularly chides his 'missus' for her TV viewing habits and reckons she could make ‘better use of her time.” “Honestly it’s a load of rubbish,''...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local man John Kerr had been enjoying a casual afternoon stroll around his neighbourhood when he was hit with a pain in his right knee. The twenty-five year was shocked by the sudden stabbing sensation, as he couldn’t quite pinpoint the cause of it. “I thought things only started hurting after an injury,'' said John. “It’s not like...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact For four-weeks a Betoota Dolphin’s prop had been following the Wallabies around Japan for the Rugby World Cup. And while any normal person with two eyes would have taken in some of the spectacular sites in the land of the rising sun, Dillan Brooke has returned home with nothing to report. The revelation came after Brooke’s mother, who picked him up...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact When Mitch Mertalis asked the boys if he could bring his work mate, Pat, to the pub for Friday Arvo beers, the boys thought nothing of it. The more the merrier, if he’s Mitch’s mate, he’s our mate. However, within a mere 10 minutes of Mitch and Pat arriving at the pub, the boys began deeply...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local concreter is been hailed as a creative genius across the country today. The torrent of praise comes for the tradesman named George Kostoglou after he developed a beautiful new concrete finish. "Yeah not fucking bad ah," said Kostoglou on site this afternoon. "I call it, Le Cig," he laughed. The Betoota Heights local said he came...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Logan Centrelink has reportedly been investigated by local authorities for blasting Britney Spears 2013 smash hit ‘Work Bitch’ in the waiting area. The initiative, spearheaded by the by the Morrison government, was being tested as a way to motivate Centrelink-dependants to ditch Newstart and ‘gain employment - an idea the government obviously thinks hasn’t occurred to any of...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact A local man with no history of magical ability has done a Harry Houdini this afternoon after a horse he tipped to everyone he knows came last in the Cup. It’s believed Damien Hartnell had been spruiking a tip he received from a friend of a friend who works in the stable of the horse’s trainer. The horse,...