Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA bloke picking up a couch has had to assure the owner that he has no issues handling it himself, despite being unable to move it more than half a metre before needing a break. Spotting a lovely two seater couch on Facebook Marketplace for a steal of a price, Matthew Derby, 32, may have been a little bit...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs Peter Dutton unveils the new campaign slogan, ‘Let’s Get Australia Back On Track’ or ‘LGABOT’, for short, it’s unknown whether the liberal leader is aware that the acronym looks like he’s added a couple of sexualities to the LGBT community. The new slogan comes as Dutton’s latest attempt to recreate Trump’s divisive ‘Make American Great Again’ campaign, as...

CLIFFORD GUNCOTTON| Musings | ContactIn a rare moment of uncertainty, Betoota Green’s member Anna Cookson isn’t too sure where she stands on government plans to cull horses in the high country of New South Wales and Victoria. This is despite her blind agreement with every other policy her chosen party has put forward throughout her voting life, from international relations, LGBTQ+ rights and climate...

CLIFFORD GUNCOTTON| Musings | ContactBetoota grog-monster, mad-dog, mad-rooter and all-round mad-man Trent Huntly has recently found himself without a home, having set fire to the shed at his previous house due to a combination of alcohol, inattention and it being a Thursday.And in a rare moment of self awareness he has carefully curated his profile on an online flatmate finder to remove any...

CLIFFORD GUNCOTTON| Musings | ContactIn a disastrous move for own personal efficiency, Betoota woman Geraldine Mason (33) has accidentally moved an application on her phone’s home screen.“I just don’t know what’s going on,” she says, “I go to open my banking app and end up with the fucking owl from Duolingo yelling at me for skipping French lessons.”Such a disturbance in her...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights woman who just finished watching Nosferatu has come to the realisation that she might be dating her very own Count Orlok, after noticing quite a few similarities between the rat lord and the current bloke she’s dating, it’s reported. As a lover of gothic horror and a staunch supporter of Nicholas Hoult since his days playing...

CLIFFORED GUNCOTTON | Musings | CONTACTLOOKS NICE, DOESN'T IT!?In 2024’s most predictable news, Local Betoota Heights father Gary Winslett is set to receive a nice shirt for Christmas this year, ostensibly from his children but entirely selected and purchased by his wife of 19 years, Tamara.“I had a look around for other things but he really does like getting something practical,” Tamara stated....

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT In what experts are calling a definitive sign of aging, 29 year old Sydney girl Grace Thompson has declared the 9pm fireworks display “good enough” this New Year’s Eve, officially confirming her transition into old age. “Honestly, they were just as good as the midnight ones,” Grace lied to herself as she shuffled towards the exit with a...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman has accepted that she is well and truly into her thirties today, after a stroll through the Myer gift section had her practically salivating. Originally ducking in to find something for her mum, who was a bit hard to buy for given that she doesn’t really have any hobbies, Chloe Tilly, 32, figured she’d go for...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A parish priest in the soulless sprawl of Betoota Heights has reportedly been left a broken man after hearing the Christmas confession of a bloke who’s spent a bit too much time in the big smoke. Father Emilio Vittorio, a weathered figure whose usual battles involve keeping Betoota Heights' cookie-cutter congregants awake during mass,...