Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIf you can't afford a sports car and swinging really isn't something you're keen on trying just yet, there are still a few ways you can do your midlife crisis in style! The Betoota Advocate explores the six most common options for having midlife crisis whilst still in your 30s! 1. Regressing to childhood The world’s on fire, you can’t afford...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA poor French Quarter woman has today been reminded that she’ll be responsible for getting rid of all her parents’ junk when they die, after her mum gleefully informed her that her cabinet full of mismatched chinaware and ornate vases will be ‘all hers’ one day. Like many millennials, Layla Loosemore, 32, is the daughter of hoarders who have...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactMelbourne property managers have called for the rental application process to become even more humiliating and demoralising, by requiring all applicants to partake in a blood sacrifice to prove their loyalty to the gods (landlords). Not content with just your personal data, copies of payslips and tax returns, utility statements, a screenshot of your savings account, references from two...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local dad who reckons he’s sick of all this ‘woke shit’ has admitted that he much prefers to learn about his subconscious racial biases the old fashioned way, which is through comedic side plots in action movies about two people with conflicting personalities overcoming their differences to work together. A big fan of interracial buddy cop style movies,...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTSarah Jenkins (26), has recently embarked on what can only be described as a deeply cryptic social media journey, posting a series of vague “new beginnings” quotes just days after discreetly removing every trace of her most recent relationship from Instagram.Sarah’s account, once a showcase of vacation photos, cozy brunches, and slightly cringe couple selfies featuring her...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTIt’s been two years since George Hanlan (28) left his job at a suburban Optus retail store, where he spent his days sneakily bundling overpriced headphones onto 24-month iPhone plans for unsuspecting pensioners. But despite leaving retail behind, Georgenow finds himself trapped in an endless loop of tech support for his friends and family. While he’s no longer dealing...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights woman has concluded that she really does need a boyfriend, after struggling to both open sauce jars and identify random country flags. Billie Hanneman, 28, who’s been single for almost a year, says she found herself yet again trying to figure out which Balkan country the red and black flag was - stating that, if she...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTMillie Patterson, the once-legendary backyard alchemist who spent her childhood making ‘potions’ from mud, has announced to friends and family that she has officially transitioned into adulthood by swapping her beloved dirt concoctions for essential oils. Millie’s childhood fascination with the mystical forces of nature began when she would whip up potions to cure imaginary ailments, typically while...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact CHAMPAGNE TAKE-DOWN: After securing the popular vote for the first time in his eight-year political career, the American political system has this week finally conceded that it's not wise to bet against Donald Trump. The Former President will return to the White House, after a convincing victory in the 2024 US presidential election. Trump's campaign had very few policy details,...

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTWHATS THE TEE: In a groundbreaking report that’s shaking up the local sports community, researchers have concluded that golf is essentially just a “hot girl walk” disguised as a sport, primarily serving as a social outlet for guys to meet up and gossip. The study, conducted by the Australian Institute of Sport, found that the average golf game...