After 6 Years Of Environmental Vandalism, Drunk People No Longer Find Throwing E-Bikes Into River Funny
MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTAfter a solid six-year run of local hoodlums turning rivers and harbours into e-bike graveyards it appears the classic gag is finally coming to an end.
Since their introduction in 2017, rental e-bikes have attracted drunk people like moths to a flame, namely, the strange urge to chuck them into a body of water.
Spike Percer (27), a seasoned bike...
BOM Predict Local Woman’s ClassPass Credits To Be Blown Away By Incoming Polar Blast
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactThe Bureau of Meteorology (BOM) has this week predicted that a local woman will yet again fail to use all her Class Pass credits, only this time, using the chilly weather as the perfect excuse.
Emily Dowling, a 32-year old marketing executive from Betoota Heights, is said to have first signed up for ClassPass in 2020, seeking to diversify...
Water Bottles Under Olive Tree A Decent Sign You’re About Eat The Greatest Moussaka Of Your Life
MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT
In a groundbreaking revelation that has foodies around the world flocking to Australia's light industrial suburbs, a new report indicates that the presence of water bottles under a lemon or olive tree is the ultimate sign that the adjoining household can whip up a mean moussaka.
The study identified that the age-old Greek Islander tradition of leaving recycled plastic...
‘I Want A Trad Wife’ Says Bloke Who Makes $75k
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA bloke who’s spent too much time going down the Tik Tok rabbit hole has today declared he wants a ‘trad wife’ like the good old days, despite barely making enough money to look after himself, it’s reported.
Regurgitating opinions he’s read online, Brad Jones, 34, says the downfall of the traditional household can be entirely blamed on feminism,...
Premiers Bet Whoever Loses Origin Has To Take In 50 000 Unskilled Migrants Pretending To Be Students
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
As the road to Origin 2 looks rocky for our mouth-breathing southern neighbours, it could also get a bit more crowded down there as NSW Premier Chris Minns and Premier Steven Miles agree the loser of this year's series will take a further 50 000 unskilled migrants pretending to be students.
With the state of...
Suburban Mum To Complete Shopping Trip By Having Breakfast At The Coffee Club And Lunch At Soul Origin
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights mum has today confirmed that a shopping trip at Westfields is not complete without doing her boomer self care ritual, which is doing a double shift supporting not one but two chain food restaurants - The Coffee Club and Soul Origin.
Chatting to our reporter Effie, who couldn't be bothered coming into work today, Kate Cunningham,...
Local Man Swears He’s Trying To Sell Project ZL Fairlane But He’s Having No Bites
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A Betoota Heights sexagenarian claims he's doing his utmost to sell a ZL Fairlane that's been at the back of his four-car garage for over a year, but he's yet to receive any realistic offers.
Retired bus driver Glenn Coleman told The Advocate that "his wife Peggy is sick of looking at that old bomb"...
Millennial Muso Still Gets A Little Thrill Out Of The Edgy F-Word In ‘Little Lion Man’
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
A local musicians that would've been referred to as a 'hipster' ten years ago, is still getting quite a lot of mileage out of the late 2000s / early 2010s British folk rock sound.
Ageing millennial muso, Merrick Tilley (39) has been playing covers of once-popular chart-toppers, as well as his atrocious originals that are clearly inspired by...
Winter Chill Inspires Overpaid White Collar Man To Hit The Gym In 3/4 Skins Under Footy Shorts
KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTIn local sporting news, a Betoota Grove man is primed to hit a personal best on the spin bike this morning all thanks to a new pair of leggings.
Austin Edwards, an analyst at PwC, is believed to have arrived at the Platinum Fitness First on Pratt City in Betoota’s CBD flaunting a gym outfit costing...
Local Girl Soft Launches Euro Holiday With Location Tagged Picnic Featuring That Swanky Ham
KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTIn global news, a Betoota girl has launched into her European holiday a little softer this year as she attempts to play up her credentials as an international woman of mystery.Arabella Edwards-Smith (28) is reported to have just begun her month-long pilgrimage to Europe, as she looks to escape the dire Australian winter for something a...
