Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A semi-retired geologist is at the centre of a localised firestorm this today after he attempted to justify the purchase of a used Tesla motorcar by saying coal is technically vegan and organic. Betoota Grove resident Gregor Spearson, who was once so moved by the slaughter of whales by the Japanese that he bought a bumper sticker for his...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Who was that cunt and why did you bring him to the pub last night?" At 6:04 am this morning, the first message buzzed the group chat and Nick Friesen wanted some answer. The Diamantina Air Freight pilots often meet on a Tuesday afternoon for a quiet drink at the Dickless Parrot in Betoota Heights, which was once a nice...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact After flagellating herself all morning for being born middle-class to two polite and stable property owners, a happy-go-lucky city worker has had to endure said parents moaning and complaining that their hyper-inflated asset is now sharply decreasing in value. Joining her folks for lunch this Tuesday gone, Emile Seymour said aside from the normal questions about her life and why...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The 2-metre gap between Carl Mackinnon and the office recycling bin is feeling more like 200 metres today after he attempted to throw a scrunched-up piece of paper into it and missed. Witnesses say Carl stood staring at the bin in disbelief before quickly looking around to see if anyone saw him miss the shot. As one eager colleague explained,...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT After years of silent compliance Susanne,* girlfriend of career kidnapper Brody,* has stated she is tired of having her magazines cut up and used for ransom letters. Throughout their four year relationship, Susanne has enjoyed certain aspects of being the partner of a career kidnapper but has struggled in silence with others. “I put up with a lot, his late...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local thinking man has been bamboozled by a Betoota Heights travel agency this afternoon because despite never seeing anybody in it ever, it still manages to remain open. When he's not enjoying a fine prepackaged lasagne with friends in his rented one-bedroom apartment, Kane Mooch applies his oversized brain to academia down the...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Grove father-of-four has been left to his own devices this morning, something that the sexagenarian relishes and enjoys. Colin Dollarhyde is using the lack of spousal supervision to his advantage, he says, by sitting himself down on his new Koala lounge in front of the 'idiot box'. In particular, SBS Food. Speaking a short time ago...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local woman Alyshia Stephenson has just come to after losing 30 minutes of her life down a social media black hole. Dazed and confused, Alyshia sat there wondering what the hell happened. “I just went on there to set an alarm,” she said. “Then I came to and 30 minutes had passed.” “I don’t even know what happened.” This type of behaviour...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Ellen Sobrata has woken this morning with more than just an alcoholic hangover. She’s also experiencing sharp pangs of anxiety brought on by the fact that she gave her phone number to a complete stranger she met at a trendy Betootan rooftop bar. Ellen was reminded of the number exchange as she scrolled through her messages and saw an ‘X’...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Patrons of French Quarter cafe The Almond Teet, have been left anxious and confused as waitress Jess Hamilton (26) has begun relying heavily on her memory skills and is taking orders without a pen and paper. Since opening in 2015, The Almond Teet is a proudly alternate food destination that according to it’s mission statement, likes to do...