Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Does God have a plan for me?" she asked. "Why does he let me suffer? Why is Janine fucking Willmott overseas again? Like half of her Facebook statuses are about her running, street-to-street battles with VodaCuck. I don't get it." Speaking candidly to The Advocate this morning on the D45 bus into the French Quarter from...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Ned Oakburn has today picked up his copy of George Orwell’s 1984 and sat it strategically atop his desk for everyone in the office to see. This comes despite his empty backpack sitting right beside him. It’s believed that Ned has done this in hopes of garnering some extra attention from colleagues passing by his desk, as one cluey co-worker explained to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "If you can, try and grab a handful of hair. That way you can free up your other hand to punch the bloke across the chin. Hopefully rendering them unconscious," he said. "Fighting in the surf is very difficult, but not impossible. With enough focus and dedication, anybody can do it. Even you." The final pep talk Betoota Ponds surfing...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The thousands of young professionals that have recently moved into our town's French Quarter have been put on notice today by the Shire Council after a report into the damage they cause to the local tourism industry has prompted a plan to cull them. From next week, any 'yuppie' that is caught within the vicinity...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT What started as a normal day about the town now has a slight air of the obscure as local dad Wesley Moss (62) was seen eating a whole apple core as if it’s wartime. After picking the fruit from his apple tree that literally everyone he has ever met knows about, Moss proceeded to walk from his home to...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A 48-year-old law student from Betoota Grove was left shouting at his computer today. The empty nester who saw his last child head out the door of his 5 bedroom sandstone house in Betoota’s leafy grove, was driven near to tears by what occurred while he was trying to study online. David Holt, a semi-retired accountant...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Substitute teacher Mr Ticehurst became another failing of the education system this week, gifting year 9 student Marek Majchrowski with a nickname for life during a botched roll call. A first generation Australian, Majchrowski (pronounced Mik-roff-ski) is used to people having trouble pronouncing his Polish surname but was unprepared for the absolutely appalling display of roll call from Mr...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Georgia Ainsley finally found the right time to strike at the office spread a short time ago. The #FuckTheCup and #NupToTheCup activist has been particular active on her social media over the last few days, alerting all of her like minded friends that she is anti so many things that today stands for. However, despite being stridently opposed to the...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "What the fuck is a self-serve check-in kiosk?" she said. Graeme Chambers grimaced and thought about throwing his bag down and walking away. She wasn't helping. "This is what we get for not flying QANTAS! There should be a nice Australian girl at a desk for us to talk to! Instead, we're out here like looking like...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT It's been a real case of the Mondays for some local Human Resources staff members today, being forced to tackle an internal complaint head on this morning. This busy start to the week for the HR team of two down at a firm in Betoota's Old City District follows complaints levelled against an employee with a 'disgusting laptop.' The Advocate has...