Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Royal Commission into Misconduct in the Banking, Superannuation and Financial Services Industry is set to take the blame for causing the impending, unavoidable crash in property prices next year. Damien Spoon, head of the Australian Bankers Association, has told journalists today in Sydney that everything was fine in the industry until the Royal Commission came...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local hotrod has taken to social media this morning to criticise the plan by every state treasurer to scrap the GST on feminine hygiene products. Nathan 'Frogstomp' Peters, an 85-year-old 3-window lowboy Deuce chop top coupé from Betoota Heights - the aspiration heartland of our town - lashed out at the tax axing, explaining that in his opinion, lady...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Though he's only 31, a local man has bid farewell to his youth and all the things that go with it after he was discovered posing with various wax figures at the London Madame Tussauds this week. Oliver Redman, who's been awkwardly teetering on the tightrope between middle-age and youth, told our reporters that he's finally...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A group of local atheists have thrown their hats in the dirt and eaten humble pie today after the Bureau of Meteorology has forecast heavy storms for most of the eastern seaboard this week - including drought-stricken parts of New South Wales and Queensland. Last month, Prime Minister Scott Morrison asked people around the nation...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The mystery surrounding a local business student's choice to wear a bowtie to class has been solved after the 21-year-old revealed himself as a soldier of Jesus Christ, a popular magic man from yesteryear. David Pearlman, a second-year business studies student at South Betoota Polytechnic College, confused a number of his classmates for a long...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Inner-Melbourne native Carl Tonello (38) is unhappy with all the Collingwood Magpies bandwagon supporters who 'tarnish the game he loves second-most' after basketball, of which his favourite team is, and always has been, the LA Lakers. An Australian rules football fanatic, Tonello states he almost had a chance with the VFL but passed it up...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Eyebrows were raised today as Dennis Procter turned up to his mate's grand final barbecue with his lovely new partner and a sock. The relationship might be only three weeks old but the 26-year-old's friends say they've never seen the cynical Cancerian happier. However, one thing that Dennis failed to mention to his friends prior to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Despite warnings that the Takata airbags in their 2009 Honda Odessey could go off at any time and send deadly shrapnel through their brain, headrest and roof, a breeding pair of local anti-vaxxers have revealed that 'they're not too concerned'. In fact, they're more concerned about exposing their soon-to-be-born child to deadly vaccines which they say have been proven...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A drift of city working pigs have marked their territory in an Old City District office unisex toilet by pissing on the floor, leaving the seat up and letting the cleaners pick anything up off the floor. Though there are two women who work on the second floor of LJ Hooker's inner-city offices in town,...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local happy-go-lucky, correctly proportioned man is on his way to the coast for the long weekend. But first, he must suffer the indignity of being a man of charming heft flying on a budget airline. Lewis Smokeman, a French Quarter grain trader, told our reporters that he tried to jag himself an exit row as...