Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Though his best years are behind him, a once popular solicitor at South Betoota's Minter Piper & Hellmore offices has taken up an afternoon hobby of walking around the open plan workspaces with some sort of football in his hands. Sometimes Mark Annesley-Wright bounces it a few times on the polished concrete floors to herald...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Nobody knows where they're going - but they sure as hell look like they do. It's just after 12 in our town's Old City District and the various suits, smart casuals and the plain old shit-kickers dressed in mufti have flooded out of the offices in search of a $10 lunch special. The narrow, windy streets...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Something equally as pathetic," she laughed. "Honest to God, they public servants. Get on with the job of serving me, you cunts." Angela Sans has had a trying month. The first thing that when pear-shaped was the fact most of her strawberries were undersize this year - the second being the aforementioned 'needle-in-fruit' controversy that's affected almost every consumable...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A gibbering old sexagenerian and taken time out of his busy morning of doing fuck all to ring his 26-year-old son to complain about the rapidly-cooling housing market. Despite owning seven dilapidated French Quarter terrace houses and a palatial, leafy Pioneer homestead in Betoota Grove, Walter B. Cummins said he feels hard-done-by by the world...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Even though his birth certificate says he was born under a boree tree some seven miles from the Betoota City Limits, a polite, smooth-palmed Diamantina expat has looked himself in the mirror this morning and told lies. Since 2013, Connor Halleford has called the beachside Sydney suburb of Bondi home. His youth in our state's great South West...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There's not much Natalie Smithson won't put salt on. The 28-year-old's favourite drink is a French Quarter staple - vodka, lime and salt water. She even grinds a fine mist of sea salt over her cocoa rice cereal of a morning time, telling the other residents of her jazzy Betoota Heights red brick sharehouse that it enhances flavour in the...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Police in South Betoota has confirmed that a small needle was discovered inside a yellow button squash today, reigniting fears of a serial offender in the local area. However, detectives from the Food Vandalism Command have been able to date the pin as being from late March. "That means it's been in the squash undetected for...

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact With as little as five months until Australian’s vote in the next federal election, opposition leader Bill Shorten has made a bold appeal to young voters with a neat collection of Soundcloud rapper face tattoos. Seven hours late to his interview with VICE magazine, the Labor Party leader flicked a lone dreadlock off his face...

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact A trip to nanna’s house became a trip to remember today as grandchild Devan Wheeler (13) discovered ice cold tins of Kirk's Lemonade in the spare fridge. Sensing that she’d have a mutiny on her hands otherwise, Nanna Leighton (70) dished out the discount drink to her grandchildren who seemed to prefer the cost-efficient sparkling...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The principal of the exclusive Whooton School in Betoota Grove has outlined the dangers of losing public funding in a letter to parents this morning, saying the school's brand new playing field is in danger of being levelled without it. Professor Graham Waterford said that he and the school's board of trustees have worked tirelessly...