Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The credibility of a French Quarter area creative is in ruins this afternoon as friends of the man discovered that his father, a prominent cardiologist, has been paying his rent and phone bill for the entire duration of his well-publicised fight against The Man. The Man, thought to be Betoota Mayor Councillor Keith Carton, has been...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Australia's peak scientific body has issued a warning this morning of the dangers of the rapidly increasing numbers of videos surfacing online of people being swooped by errant magpies. At a Canberra press conference this morning, a CSIRO spokesperson explained that the sheer volume of videos and the popularity of the magpie meme threaten to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Government propaganda and big sunscreen will have you believe there's nothing healthy about a tan. That's according to Jackson Chongdale, who's recently returned home to Betoota from a North American odyssey-of-a-lifetime. However, the now-bronzed 28-year-old city worker wouldn't tell you unless you told him. "He's pretty reserved, old Jackson," said one friend who spoke briefly to The...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local remora fish has told coworkers today that he largely ignores the 'No Junk Mail' signs on area letterboxes when he does a flyer drop because he knows they don't mean him. Darcy Tuckwell, of LJ Hooker Betoota Heights, said he still drops his upcoming sale flyers into mailboxes that explicitly ask him not...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "You're a fucking idiot, mate," he wrote. "The only reason why we evolved to the point we are at is because fucking monkeys came down out of the trees and started eating meat. Being vegan doesn't make any sense and science is on my side," "Vegans are fucking losers." From time to time, Will Proctor puts aside...

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact Former smoker Ashley Hayes (36) is sharing his secret to quitting smoking, claiming that all you need to do is replace smoking cigarettes with talking about how strong your willpower is. After a treacherous 20-months of social smoking, Hayes decided to stub a bummed cigarette for the last time in favour of letting his friends...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local traveller was kicking himself today. Brandon Smith, a 32-year-old plumber heading back home to Betoota this weekend was waiting politely at the baggage carousel for his luggage to emerge this morning. However, after scrolling mindlessly through his feed of Instagram influencers, the Brisbane based tradie realised that he had completely missed his baggage. Running over to the...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A promotion last year to senior network engineer came with an increase in his pay packet - enough to finally break the bonds of the sharehouse lifestyle. "I thought then that I finally had my shit together," said Bruce Coleman. "My own kitchen, my own living room. A place to call my own. Finally, I was an adult. I even...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As our town is among those further from the sea in this country, the local purchase of saltwater seafood is often a gamble. Despite the assurances from both Coles and Woolworths, the fact that no local fishmonger stocks any saltwater seafood is enough to deter even the most iron-gutted local. Enter Oscar Harris. It's half past five...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Mates," prefaced Darcy Tuckwell. "You should see what it's like behind the scenes. None of the people you see on television do any of the work. They're basically actors." The 27-year-old Betoota Heights carpenter took another sip of his Carlton-Mid while the mates he was telling the story to digested the first part of the tale. In the hours after knock-off,...