Local News

Shock As Man Forms Opinion After Reading Entire Article – Not Just The Headline

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Picking up The Advocate this morning, the front page made Phil Durham choke on his honeyed Wonder White slice. "Kid A," he coughed. "Now way in hell is that the best Radiohead album. Everybody knows it's The Bends. A child would probably tell you it's OK Computer or Amnesiac. Trust me, it's The Bends," "This is outrageous! A person's choice in news...

Couple Watches Shawshank Redemption Again After Failing To Decide On What To Watch

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Get busy living, or get busy dying," said John McEnroe - moments after Nick Kyrgios defeated Willy Tsonga to progress deeper and deeper into the heart of tennis glory. But after the broadcast ended, Marcia and Gresham Watson mutually agreed they weren't tired enough to retire to bed. Gresham then brought the Apple TV up on...

Locals Stage Boycott Of Pub They Never Visit After Mass-Produced Beer Is Taken Off Tap

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It takes a lot for sheep and cattle farmers to put aside their differences and unite for the greater good. On a national level, the fight for drought relief and market protections has brought them together in the past. But today, on a more local level, locals from the Northern Lakes district on the Betoota City Limits have united to...

Zoo Patron Quietly Shitting Himself Posing For Photo With Local Orangutan

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Her keepers say she's harmless but Brett Galloway knows that orangutans have a dark side. The 54-year-old initially said no to a photo opportunity with the great ape, citing that he wouldn't go into the enclosure unarmed or alone. But his family convinced him. He spoke to reporters this afternoon about the ordeal and the associated terror...

Shirt Will Iron Itself Out By 12PM Meeting

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Walking into the office this morning, Jaysern Vukovic (37), was greeted by an unusually high number of judgmental scowls from his colleagues. Immediately thinking the worst, Jaysern looked down to see if he was exposing himself or had spilt coffee on his shirt, however, to Jaysern’s untrained and sartorially-starved eyes, he could see nothing...

Stitch Claims Victory Over News Year’s Resolution For The Fourth Year Running

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact With the guilt of a two-month long pig out resting on his conscience, Mike Jung decided enough was enough and set himself a goal of getting fit. The mildly-successful Betoota Ponds buyers agent downloaded the FatTwoFive app to his rapidly slowing iPhone 4 yesterday morning and visited his local Cucklete's Foot to pick up some seemingly high-quality Nike runners. Aside...

Demolition Contractor Weighs Up Copper-Wire-To-Asbestos Ratio Before Accepting Job

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local demolition expert, Digby Schuster, has tentatively accepted to suss out a new gig at the now defunct South Betoota Ladies College - but he's not gonna show up if it isn't worth his time in cash payment, or copper. While walking through the Queenslander-style stilted single-sex primary school today, Digby asks the boss if he has any idea...

Graduate Lawyer Sick Of Being Asked For Legal Advice At Barbecues

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "I'm so going to get you to defend me if I get done for DUI or something, how funny would that be?" That's the fourth time Alice Munro has been told that since she posed with her parents for a photograph out the front of the Queensland Supreme Court in Brisbane late last year, admission...

Cousin From Out-Of-Town Forced To Use Bootleg Nintendo 64 Controller

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In the ultimate act of disrespect, a South Betoota man has struggled to keep a straight face this afternoon after handing his visiting cousin a bootleg, nigh-on-unusable Nintendo 64 controller as the pair sat down to enjoy a quick game of Blast Corps before tea. Levon Danko popped in from nearby Windorah earlier today and called in to see...

Housemate Coming Home From The Pub Picks Up Broken Bread Maker He Found At Council Cleanup

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact With his fellow housemates at the forefront of his thoughts, a popular mortgage broker wandered home last night from the Pingouin Aveugle Bar & Grill in the French Quarter when he spied something he thought his friends would like. As this morning was the first of four shire council cleanup services this year, the footpaths and roadsides of the...

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