Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "I paid for express postage," she said. "Where is my jacket? I ordered and paid for it on Thursday and it still says it's in Melbourne? Next working day my arse!" Jenny Gilmour is pissed off. The 24-year-old wants the Gorman jacket, currently sitting motionless in an Australia Post depot on the northern fringe of the Yarra Republic, by today but...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The blame game has started down at Colenso BBDO's South Betoota office this afternoon after news broke that local chainsaw and lawnmower retailer, Perry's Husqvarna, has dropped them for another local agency. Short of being stabbed to death with a broken Ridell wine glass by John Singleton outside a popular steakhouse, the agency's creative director and senior partners have been locked...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact After close to a year of intensive training, a local boxing coach feels one of his star students is ready for the big time. Lloyd Cressford, according to his coach Darcy Potter, is finally prepared to go on his first Carnival Cruise - where he's expected to fight close to two dozen people. The 24-year-old fighter...

SHEILA BAKER | Theatre Critic | Contact The artistic director of the Betoota Grove Theatre Association (BGTA) announced today that there will be no formal apology made to Andrew Lloyd Webber after the group told reporters they plan to butcher his landmark musical 'Cats' for the next 6 weeks. Hyacinth Gynt, who's been at the helm of BGTA for nearly a decade, remains unapologetic after critics panned...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Down by the banks of the French Quarter's largest artificial lake, local bankers congregate at a popular licenced premise to socialise, talk about money, laugh at by-the-hour workers pouring money into cryptocurrency and above all, sigh in relief that the Joyce saga has relegated the Royal Commission into banking back to page seven. They called it 'The Rowing Shed'...

BARTHOLOMEW McCUMBLERAND | Investigative | CONTACT A local Betootan has been spotted applying copious amounts of Aeroguard spray to his already heavily bitten arm, despite being warned by nan 30 minutes earlier that the “mozzies are here.” Dave Saunders, 43, had been enjoying his Sunday Barbecue at his in-laws place without even thinking of the consequences of the location. “They live behind a swamp,...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Wanting to save the planet but refusing to release themselves to the rough sea of the local public transport system, a popular educated couple has curled up on their Matt Blatt sofa tonight - ready to tap into the zeitgeist. As half a bottle of Côtes du Rhône sloshes around in their tum-tums, Jack and Francine Williams, of Betoota...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Saturday night, Betoota Heights. Two ageing and respected members of the middle-class enclave atop the hill on the north side of town have taken offence to a gathering of young people down the road. As the sun began to set, the first call was placed to Probationary Constable Blake Washbrook at the Wilcox Avenue Police Station. "I thought it was weird,"...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Aside from being permanently locked out of the housing market, persecuted for enjoying a popular stonefruit smooshed onto bread for breakfast and being forced to take out huge loans for his tertiary education, a local 25-year-old is remaining mildly positive. Matt Dylan, of Betoota Grove, says he first hung a dream catcher above his bed...

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact An ordinary Thursday night shift has become anything but as North Betoota RSL club front-desker Stuart Atkins (65) asked a group of non-English speaking backpackers if they are already club members. “Good evening guys. Member?” The startled group of Melbourne-bound French backpackers stated they know enough English to get by, but were unable to recognise the...