Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Brisbane-based accountant arrived home in Betoota Heights this morning after an arduous two-day journey. The first thing he did after putting his bags down was to put his feet up. Everything was going great. The cricket was on, Dad was sitting shirtless out the back reading The Australian. Mum had just put some party pies...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact Smokers across the nation are today rejoicing at the ground-breaking results of a decade-long study into how best to mask the smell left behind after smoking a cigarette. The study, carried out by Australia’s lead scientific body, CSIRO, indicates that spraying Lynx deodorant 2cm-8cm away from your index and middle fingers will completely...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Change is in their air in South Betoota as basement dweller Marty “Muzza” Willis (19) finally discovers Christopher Hitchens after an intense ten-month long, bong-fueled Bill Hicks phase. “He was one of the last good ones you know what I mean?" he said. "Things...aaaah...people listened you know?” After ploughing through all the Bill Hicks related material on YouTube, Willis decided to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Nipping in to buy some rolling papers at the Clarence Road Milk Bar, a packet of Nerds caught Michael Bust's eye. The 26-year-old had so much as thought about the delicious candy for close to 15 years. All he knew now is that he wanted some. "These a well, mate," he said to the cashier, handing over...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local bad ass teenager who's disengaged parents don't mind him rocking a diamante ear ring has today discovered that he is gay, after getting his right ear pierced accidentally. Lyndall Bowley (16) was quick to learn that he is now a gay man - after he arrived at school with the 'gay ear'' pierced. It is not yet known...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter young professional has had his socks blown off this afternoon after he navigated to the website for a popular local restaurant and it was vaguely functional. Dan Witman, a man who does things in an office with a computer in return for money, told our reporters he was expecting a maze of outdated menus, clunky design and...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In a controversial move, the board at Royal South Betoota Polytechnic will allow prospective students to rent their degrees from June this year. Rather than accrue a lifelong HECS/HELP debt, school leavers and mature-age students alike can complete the study required by each course, then simply pay a small fee each week until they retire or no longer require...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Over the last several months it appears that Betoota Ponds local, Shawn Thomas (26), has relayed his ongoing custody battle to the world, using the social media platform known as Facebook. In the most recent string of posts, Shawn takes aim at not only his ex Hayleigh, but also her two-faced friends and the new putrid dog that's living...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Elon Musk has accidentally shot his wallet into space, according to a SpaceX spokesman. The South African-born founder reportedly spent hours this morning looking for his wallet before realising it was in the centre console of his Telsa Roadster, which is now in outer space. The SpaceX Falcon Heavy successfully launched from Kennedy Space Center in Florida today, carrying Mr...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Last year, the deputy prime minister suggested that if young people want to enter the property market, they need to start looking toward the bush and away from the big capitals. Today, Barnaby Joyce has decided to lead by example. The 50-year-old has made the decision to move his new, impending young family to Tamworth, a...