Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A prominent local smoker has come under fire today after refusing to roll a cigarette for a hip youth who hit him up for one in the smoking area of The Gelded Goana Hotel in Betoota's fabled Old City district. When asked by Thomas Brock if he could 'borrow' a cigarette, Sam Greenholm paused the conversation he was in...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A semi-retired local mother has taken to social media this morning in an attempt to stave off the boredom often associated with home life. Wendy Gondola, the owner-operator of popular French Quater hammock shop, Heroin Hammocks, has taken a shine to 'Minions' memes according to her son, Dylan. However, Dylan is beginning to think that signing his mother up to The...

ESSIE BURKE | Human Interest | CONTACT Lauryn Prince is a busy 20-something who enjoys subverting society's expectations about what young women should be and do on their wedding day. That's why the junior accountant from Betoota Heights has decided to do her nuptials her way and hire a photo booth for the big day. "A couple of my friends have had them with the funny props like moustaches and stuff," Ms Prince said. "But mine's...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Curiosity got the better of prominent local fool, Glenn Bexley, this afternoon after he popped the top off his PERT 2-in-1 shampoo and had a taste. The marginally-employed real estate agent revealed to The Advocate that he always wondered what his shampoo would taste like, seeing as though it smells so delicious. "I had to find out," said the 38-year-old stay-at-home-son. "So I...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Mr S, as he would like to be referred to, has made it clear that just because Betoota High School's 9C's usual teacher has gastro, it doesn't mean the next few days are going to be made up of spare lessons. The bald veteran seat-filler of secondary education has let out the loudest 'oi' ever heard in by...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Mortified at the prospect of same-sex couples being legally allowed to enter a loveless marriage such as his, a local sexagenarian has taken to Facebook to show his support for the 'Vote No' campaign in the upcoming postal ballot on same-sex marriage. Each time Graham Monckton sees a young person show their support for the 'Yes'...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Assuring the customer that the machine is not broken and after the customer blamed the bank, a local bartender's heart has been warmed thoroughly seeing a terrible person's credit card be repeatedly declined before his eyes. Martin Cornhole clicked his fingers until Sam McKendy turned around and started to serve him. "That was when I discovered he was a cunt,"...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Emmet Buy/Swap/Sell Facebook page started out with pure intentions according to the administrator, but internal town politics and a perverted need to open old wounds quickly diminished any value from it. Warren Kelly started the page to create a portal by which Emmet's 17 000 residents could sell their unneeded possessions or pick something...

SANDRA BURNER | Woman About Town | Contact Demi Munro describes herself as a lady of simple tastes and pleasures. Cold rosé on a Friday night and pair of jeans that fight just right and so on. So when she heard Dylan Carmichael, a used car salesman at Tyson Ford South Betoota, rip open his Ripcurl wallet down at the Dolphins Leagues Club last...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local poon who enjoys working in an agency environment revealed to The Advocate via SMS that he quit social media on Monday and that since then, his life has improved a great deal. However, without the aid of social media, he has no other way of telling his closest 900 friends just how good...