Local News

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A polite local kid by the name of Chris has played it perfectly this morning, after finding himself caught up in a display of stern parenting. After a sleepover down the street, Chris was quick to avoid all forms of conflict after his mate Willie used a swear word in front of his parents. At the breakfast table of his...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Even though nobody else is allowed to bring their kids into the office out of convenience, all of the suck ups at a local Betoota business is pretending that having their boss's child at work is a highlight of their day. With a snot-nosed little fuck marching through the workplace corridors, an entire salesroom at the local skip bin...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Betoota radio announcer Robert 'Flash' Flaczynski has today apologised to listeners for an unprecedented twenty minute gap between P!NK songs. Flash, who came to fame as part of the wildly popular radio show 'Flash and Fatso' in the late 1990s says he hopes he doesn't get the sack for this - and says that while the ratings don't...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local marginally-employed-millennial finally caved into mattress giant Koala this afternoon after being bombarded non-stop with their Facebook advertising and purchased one of their reasonably-priced products in the hopes that the assault will stop. Glenn Cole, a glassie and barback at the Betoota Dolphins Leagues Club, told The Advocate that every single fucking time he scrolls through his Facebook, he...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Even though literally every single person at the pub is aware that the boss has put his card over the bar for the End Of Financial Year party, one local legend is pretending like he didn't. The Lord Betoota Hotel is today hosting a local poster printing company - who appear to be really 'taking advantage' of the free...

MARKUS VENUTI | Culture | CONTACT A Betoota waiter and local party legend Jason Ivy was reported to have made a considered attempt to hide his disgust and frustration as a table of four, sitting outside on a busy Sunday morning at their local cafe called to him for the third time to change their order. "Can we just change one of those coffees, darrrrrrrrrling" asks a...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact After first telling our reporter what in the fuck he was looking at, Shyarnnah Kelso then instructed him to take a picture - because it'd last longer. However, after she calmed down a bit, the 19-year-old was able to confirm that her initial outburst was nothing personal. It was because her label-less water bottle is full...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact After falling in love during their senior year at the exclusive Royal College of Hard Knocks in South Betoota, Leo and Sherryn Slacks knew they'd be together forever. Enrolling the very next year in the University of Life in nearby Toompine, the couple married just a few months later in the winter of 1971. "The first place we ever lived...

SOPHIE WARD | Cadet Reporter | Contact A friendly local rug merchant has broken with tradition and closed his successful outlet store after hosting a fire sale earlier this month in which he declared he was 'going out of business and everything must go.' Nathan Haddad's rug shop, Le Branlette RugWorld, has been a cornerstone and a landmark business in the town's...

MARCIA GREY | Local News | Contact An overly polite account manager at a local advertising firm has been forced to defend himself this morning after co-workers discovered that he doesn't watch Game of Thrones, a popular US television series. Oliver Climt took time out of his busy morning schedule at Lemonger BDDO Betoota, one of the highest-regarded advertising firms in the...