Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact If you didn't know Alistair Downlands-Saddlewood, you'd think he'd just be another tired old gibbering cunt with too much money and time to burn. But to those that know him, he's a polite and kind senior member of the Betoota Heights society. The 67-year-old is an active member of the Royal Betoota Golf Club and volunteers for his local Rotary...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Reports are currently circulating that close friends of shop assistant Rachel Dale have given up on any chance of her getting her shit together despite the fact that at 27, she should probably know better by now. While many people in Dale’s generation are usually mocked by their lack of visible achievement, travelling related debt and tentative plans to finish...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local Wimp Ben Carter (34) has a lot to answer to after ordering an entre sized pasta dish as his main meal during a dinner out with friends. “I just didn’t feel like a full-sized OK! What’s the big deal?” It has been reported, upon ordering the entre sized ravioli and specifying “can I get it as my main though?”...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Waiting until his hair was simply too long to be professionally unacceptable, Harrison Glenbow sighed heavily this morning moments before stepping into his local barbershop. Gone is his usual 60-year-old Polish hairdresser and in his place stands a well-built young man with a big beard; ironic tattoos covering most of his visible, sickly skin. Where his barbershop used to stand...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Hey," he thought. "Nick Xenophon doing talking to Virgil like that and why is Lady Penelope sitting on such as ghastly cheap couch?" Speaking to The Advocate about what happened inside his head last night, a popular drug abuser said he turned on the television last night and what he saw didn't make sense. Julian Green wasn't...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An overly polite and skittish local Gemini is this afternoon recovering in hospital after ingesting a tablespoon of cement powder. The incident occurred at approximately 3 pm this afternoon shortly after Michael McLaughlin and his uncle David happened upon a traffic accident involving a Hyundai and a camel. The Hyundai Excel was travelling east on Dewhurst Rd when it collided...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As a self-described young creative, James Coleman says he and his people have little use for a Windows computer these days. He's a popular but largely unsuccessful graphic designer that calls a French Quarter hotdesk an office. No milk in this man's coffee, he shoots from the hip and asks questions later. Which is why the 29-year-old...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It doesn't matter if you've got no primary production experience at all; it doesn't matter if you've got 50 years under your belt. The final obstacle to beating the hotly anticipated video game, Farming Simulator 18, will be a challenge to all that reach it. It's not stagnant wool prices or a kneejerk Labor snap ban...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Visiting his parent's leafy Betoota Heights home for dinner last night, Charlton Grosvenor thought he heard his father say 'blockchain' in passing conversation - so he asked him to repeat himself. "What did you just say, Dad?" When Ralf Grosvenor clarified what he said, the 26-year-old's world began to shake. Scoffing down the rest of his rare...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Wondering why he can't seem to save a cent of his weekly pay packet, a popular 26-year-old hotel manager has revealed to The Advocate that his poor financial literacy goes back a long way. Back to 1999 in fact. Gregor Redpath told our reporters that he frequently found it difficult to difficult to balance his Sim...