Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Brenton Poon is fed up. Not with his garbage-collecting job in general, nor with his estranged wife that insists they're ready as a couple for twin beds. In fact, there's not much in this world that the 34-year-old says upsets him. But what really gets his goat are the resident of 45 Wristy Road, French Quarter. "They're fucking recycling bin is always...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Editor | CONTACT The token short fella in a local group of mates has told The Advocate today that jokes about his stature aren’t annoying because they get under his skin, but because they are just not funny. Lukas Rowlands, who nudges a touch over 170 centimetres, has copped a fair amount of shit over the last 10 or so years and...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Betoota Credit Union , known for their competitive home loan rates and customer service, have announced today that they'll bend over backwards to help people from all walks of Betootanese life realise their dreams by going to the cricket this summer. Going to the cricket, like home ownership, is simply out of reach for many young locals. But BCU...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact If you didn't know Alistair Downlands-Saddlewood, you'd think he'd just be another tired old gibbering cunt with too much money and time to burn. But to those that know him, he's a polite and kind senior member of the Betoota Heights society. The 67-year-old is an active member of the Royal Betoota Golf Club and volunteers for his local Rotary...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Reports are currently circulating that close friends of shop assistant Rachel Dale have given up on any chance of her getting her shit together despite the fact that at 27, she should probably know better by now. While many people in Dale’s generation are usually mocked by their lack of visible achievement, travelling related debt and tentative plans to finish...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local Wimp Ben Carter (34) has a lot to answer to after ordering an entre sized pasta dish as his main meal during a dinner out with friends. “I just didn’t feel like a full-sized OK! What’s the big deal?” It has been reported, upon ordering the entre sized ravioli and specifying “can I get it as my main though?”...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Waiting until his hair was simply too long to be professionally unacceptable, Harrison Glenbow sighed heavily this morning moments before stepping into his local barbershop. Gone is his usual 60-year-old Polish hairdresser and in his place stands a well-built young man with a big beard; ironic tattoos covering most of his visible, sickly skin. Where his barbershop used to stand...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Hey," he thought. "Nick Xenophon doing talking to Virgil like that and why is Lady Penelope sitting on such as ghastly cheap couch?" Speaking to The Advocate about what happened inside his head last night, a popular drug abuser said he turned on the television last night and what he saw didn't make sense. Julian Green wasn't...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An overly polite and skittish local Gemini is this afternoon recovering in hospital after ingesting a tablespoon of cement powder. The incident occurred at approximately 3 pm this afternoon shortly after Michael McLaughlin and his uncle David happened upon a traffic accident involving a Hyundai and a camel. The Hyundai Excel was travelling east on Dewhurst Rd when it collided...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As a self-described young creative, James Coleman says he and his people have little use for a Windows computer these days. He's a popular but largely unsuccessful graphic designer that calls a French Quarter hotdesk an office. No milk in this man's coffee, he shoots from the hip and asks questions later. Which is why the 29-year-old...