Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Mortified at the prospect of same-sex couples being legally allowed to enter a loveless marriage such as his, a local sexagenarian has taken to Facebook to show his support for the 'Vote No' campaign in the upcoming postal ballot on same-sex marriage. Each time Graham Monckton sees a young person show their support for the 'Yes'...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Assuring the customer that the machine is not broken and after the customer blamed the bank, a local bartender's heart has been warmed thoroughly seeing a terrible person's credit card be repeatedly declined before his eyes. Martin Cornhole clicked his fingers until Sam McKendy turned around and started to serve him. "That was when I discovered he was a cunt,"...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Emmet Buy/Swap/Sell Facebook page started out with pure intentions according to the administrator, but internal town politics and a perverted need to open old wounds quickly diminished any value from it. Warren Kelly started the page to create a portal by which Emmet's 17 000 residents could sell their unneeded possessions or pick something...

SANDRA BURNER | Woman About Town | Contact Demi Munro describes herself as a lady of simple tastes and pleasures. Cold rosé on a Friday night and pair of jeans that fight just right and so on. So when she heard Dylan Carmichael, a used car salesman at Tyson Ford South Betoota, rip open his Ripcurl wallet down at the Dolphins Leagues Club last...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local poon who enjoys working in an agency environment revealed to The Advocate via SMS that he quit social media on Monday and that since then, his life has improved a great deal. However, without the aid of social media, he has no other way of telling his closest 900 friends just how good...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local scallywag who is well known for catching the eye of the authorities must have really fucked up this time. Witnesses say that the bloke in question, Harisyn Kambouris (30) was looking especially flash at his most recent appearance at the district court. "This is either high-range or assault" says Brodie, an acquaintance of Harisyn's from junior football days,...

IRA BELFAST | Local News | Contact A prominent East Betootanese social media power couple shifted their entrepreneurial empire into top gear this morning after signing a lucrative content deal with a global teeth whitening brand. The deal, worth in excess of  HKD$300, was forged last night during eleventh-hour talks via email with the teeth whitening manufacturer's marketing firm based in Hong Kong's Sheung...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A West Betoota factory worker who depends upon weekend penalty rates to make ends meet has been left wondering when Canberra will start trying to win his vote. Though he doesn't want to undermine the importance of same-sex marriage getting through parliament, Glenn Munkey told The Advocate that it's 'kind of annoying' that so much...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Betoota man has been spotted attempting to hide his identity while leaving the premises of a well known oriental-themed massage parlour this afternoon. The recently-single carpenter, by the name of Jacko, appeared distressed and standoffish while attempting to weave through the foot traffic outside DREAM MASSAGE & SPA in South Betoota this afternoon. Witnesses say they have...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A groundbreaking new study into the cult of veganism has uncovered a disturbing new trend in which the easiest way to learn that somebody is a vegan is to simply wait until they tell you. Australia's peak scientific body, the CSIRO, released the paper earlier this morning at a Canberra press conference where the organisation's...