Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Striding home with a gut full of piss sloshing around in his tummy, West Betootanese apprentice carpenter Ellis Liston spotted another suitably intoxicated punter stumbling back to his flat on the other side of Bjelkemander Park. In 2019 alone, there was nearly 40 muggings and seven stabbings in Bjelkemander Park in the space of six months -...

ESSIE BURKE | Lifestyle & Work | CONTACT Norris Walters spent decades feeling like a beta man but his fortunes changed when he landed a job with a swipe pass and a key to the stationery cupboard. A former customer service officer at South Betoota's motor registry, Mr Walters was promoted to regional manager last year when his predecessor died in a freak paper shredder incident. "The job has a few...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact According to the financial services industry, the more a young creative professional spends on a South American holiday, the more they save. That bit of sage advice is not what spurred Morgan Hatton to tackle the world's second-most dangerous continent - he looked his friends and family in the eye and said with a straight...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Local patriot, Sherman Burgent, says his poor interpersonal skills have nothing to do with the fact that he hasn't been invited to an Australia Day party. "These filthy lefties, mate" "Those whingeing soap-dodgers hate this country" Despite the fact that there are at least six Australia day parties happening in his extended social circle, Sherman hasn't gotten a bait...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australia's beleaguered Aboriginal communities are particularly vulnerable to an array of social issues, however, nothing compares to the rise of flawless and very impressive wheelies, which seem to also have firm grip on the Indigenous youth. "They're deadly" says local jarjum, Braith Bridley (12). "My cousin, Jai did two whole laps of our block the other...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In what can only be described as a complete an utter embarrassment to both family names, recently-engaged South Betoota forensic accountant, Molly Tuxworth (29), has failed to bring in over 100 Facebook likes on her seemingly staged engagement photo. Uploaded with the caption: "So this happened..."   Molly believes she was not treated kindly by the Facebook newsfeed algorithm. "I...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When Bob Hawke explained to parliament in 1988 that the most emasculating thing a bloke could do is ask for a drinks tray, he meant it. Since then, carrying four schooners of full-carb beer from the bar back to the boys has been a life skill passed down from father to son, mate to mate....

ESSIE BURKE | Human Interest | CONTACT Basic foods with a pretentious twist are being offered at extortionate prices on Betoota's main street as a fast talking blow-in from South Brisbane opens the town's first hipster cafe. Justin Hampel, a 37-year-old wastrel with a trust fund and a bullish belief in his entrepreneurial skills, said he had "curated a menu which pays homage to traditional Betoota fare". Experts...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite the fact that he grew up in very similar socio-economic circumstances to the ones he provided his own children with, local dad Peter Stretton (58) talks about his upbringing as though his area was a failed state. "In my day we had to walk 20 miles barefoot just to get to school" he said. "In the snow!" His children...

ESSIE BURKE | Human Interest | CONTACT Terry Cranston was ready to quit his soul-destroying job as a customer service officer when a seemingly second-hand sandwich press arrived in the lunchroom at his South Betoota office. The 46-year-old opted against hitting send on a terse letter of resignation and instead took his multigrain cheese and tomato sandwich from the insulated pouch in his work satchel. "I...