Local News

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTIn what can only be described as an astounding display of post-pandemic denial, Betoota Heights resident Dave Wilson (38) has revealed that after 3421 trips to the bathroom, he still hasn’t made a dent in the toilet paper stash he hoarded during the 2020 lockdowns.   “I thought I’d be sorted for, like, years,” Dave admitted while browsing through...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTIn a tale of breathtaking hypocrisy, Betoota Hills resident Stuart Granger (52) has claimed he "misses the birds" after personally overseeing the removal of several large trees that obstructed his multi-million-dollar bay views.   As a proud NIMBY (Not In My Backyard), Stuart has earned a reputation for keeping local council workers busy with a never-ending stream of complaints....

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local man today stands accused of being a little bit too specific with his dating profile having filled his ‘about me’ section with a series of traits he’s looking for in a partner, instead of offering any information about himself. While it’s expected that a dating profile description should at least involve some hobbies (or be left blank...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT A 26-year old Ivy League graduate has been named as the lead suspect of the murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO, Brian Thompson, after an anonymous tip off to the police. Luigi Mangione, which sounds like an Italian character written by J.K Rowling, was apprehended by police in a McDonalds in Altoona after a customer recognised him from the photos released...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTIn a move that’s left Betoota's rental market both bemused and mildly perplexed, local woman Fiona Lee, 28, has posted an ad for a new housemate in the French Quarter that reads more like a Tinder profile than a room listing.“Looking for a chill roommate to share my two-bedroom apartment,” the ad begins innocently enough before veering...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter man is feeling alive today as he juggles the demands of working from home and parenting a two-year-old, firmly believing that better days are on the horizon. Rory Stick, 37, runs a printing and paper logistics consultancy with an office in Betoota’s Old City District. Today, however, he’s swapped the relative calm...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTLocal woman Becky Saunder (33) has tapped into her ancient berry-picking roots by salvaging a battered stool from a council clean-up, declaring it “full of potential” with a bit of TLC.Hailed as an evolutionary throwback to prehistoric foraging, her find recalls early women scouring landscapes for useful items while men hunted wooly mammoths. Instead of berries or rocks,...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | Contact In news that won’t surprise anyone, Germans take all forms of recreational walking quite seriously.This story comes after another busy weekend on the footpaths of Betoota, as locals and tourists alike basked in the recent run of glorious weather.As hundreds of families, Tinder dates, and alcoholics having “a sober weekend” hit the Betoota Lake Lighthouse walk...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTIn a bold display of enthusiasm that could only be described as “peak real estate,” local developer Darren Pierce has declared that the mass displacement of public housing residents is a clear sign that an area is “up-and-coming.”Darren, a self-described “property mogul,” made the remark during a tour of a newly listed apartment complex ‘Loft 56’, which...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTLocal woman Sophie Patel has left her friends questioning their own skincare and makeup routines after unveiling what she described as her ‘no makeup’ look—which, ironically, involves more products than her regular makeup routine.“I just want to look natural, you know?” Sophie explained, casually applying her 14th product of the morning—a “blemish-perfecting primer” that promised a ‘lit-from-within...