Local Trolley Boy Just Too Damn Good At His Job To Be Let Go For Intimidating Shoppers, Smoking Weed
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
A modern day stockman at the local Coles has once again survived several allegations of calling people fuckwits and smoking marijuana on the job.
The pimply teenager, who claims to have punched on with blokes as old as 19, will not be getting fired for his recent misconduct.
Management states that Corey (15) is too damn good at his job...
Local Man Still Deeply Affected By The Anti-Cat Propaganda Featured In Hairy Maclary Books
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Local man Ethan Loman, of Riverside Crescent in Betoota Heights, has revealed today that he still hasn’t fully recovered from what he describes as "deeply harmful anti-cat propaganda" embedded in the Hairy Maclary books that are still part of a bedtime ritual for children all over the world.
"I used to go to sleep thinking...
Police Remind Polling Centres That Sale Of Gourmet Democracy Sausages Is Illegal In Queensland And Punishable By Up To Five Years Gaol
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Queensland Police have issued a stark warning to polling stations about the illegal sale of "gourmet" democracy sausages.
Under state law, anything beyond the mass produced supermarket BBQ sausage, with a maximum beef content of 20%, in white bread is not permitted and could see violators facing fines or even jail time.
Condiments such as...
“So, The LNP Is Just Labor But Pro-Abortion And Entirely Beholden To A Faction Of Bible-Thumping Maniacs?” Asks Confused Older Voter
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
As Queensland heads to the polls today, a debate rages on in the carpark of the Green Street State School voting station in Betoota Heights, with one older voter finding himself baffled by the current state of the Liberal National Party (LNP).
His pointed question to an LNP volunteer has opened up a unique...
Ragdoll Just The Cat Version Of Buying An Expensive Poodle Hybrid
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn the latest trend to sweep through the world of luxury pet ownership, cat lovers are found to be embracing Ragdolls like dog owners have embraced poodle hybrids, it's reported.
With the majority of Aussie cat owners still opt for the humble moggy, the Ragdoll is set to be next most popular breed amongst yuppie couples who have disposable...
Bloke On First Date Out For A Golden Duck After Not Confirming Order On The QR Menu For 18 Minutes
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | Contact
A local bloke has been marched early this evening after totally fumbling through the first round of drinks on a date.
The Advocate understands that Trent Hetherington, a 26-year-old sparky from West Betoota, started his innings poorly when he kicked off the date with an awkward half-hug on Mel Perkins, a bright girl from Tinder who was...
Report: Bunnings Last Place In The Country Where You Can Buy Lunch Under $10
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | ContactIn dire cost of living news, the nation’s largest chain of hardware stores has become the cheapest place to buy lunch.
In a worrying report commissioned by the ACCC, Bunnings is now the last place in the country where you can buy lunch for under $10.
The story comes as fast food retailers, cafes and even humble Vietnamese...
Bloke Buying Last Minute Groceries For Homemade Tzatziki Aware He Looks Like A Massive Freak
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA bloke purchasing a single cucumber and bottle of olive oil at a Woolies checkout has unfortunately realised too late that it looks like he might have some very peculiar plans for the evening, after copping an odd look from the sixteen year old cashier.
With a 2kg bucket of almost expired yoghurt sitting in his fridge, Daniel Plemons,...
Local Girl At Westfields Given Option Of Single Use Landfill Or $100 On A Tank Top
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman attempting to demolish some of her tax return at Westfields has yet again returned home empty handed, having been faced with the option to either pay $40 for a poorly made top that would probably begin to unravel after a few turns in the washing machine, or spending an obscene amount for a fancy singlet.
Struggling...
35 Year Old Sadly At The Age Where He Has To Rule Out ‘Stair Countries’ When Planning Holidays
CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACT
Betoota local Brendan Kaur (35) has hit a sobering milestone—he now has to consider “how many stairs there are” when planning a holiday.
While flipping through travel guides for inspiration, Brendan found himself crossing entire regions off the list based solely on the steepness of their hills. “I’d love to see Machu Picchu,” he sighed, “but those stairs...
